Say What?

Interesting self discovery that feels good and bad

2011-10-08T18:42:00.001-07:00

Recently I made an interesting discovery about myself.

I am a co-dependent person. It's actually a thing that can be diagnosed, sortof. Not that I'm mentally ill, but in a way it feels like I AM, because my life gets ruled by this habit of mind, and I don't feel in control.

I have been realizing more the past couple of years that I am a people-pleaser. I worry a lot about what will make others happy. I say and do things according to their desires, and not to what is inside of me. Spiritually, this can be good, cultivating a mood of service to God. But for me, materially, it has been very troublesome.

I have had people walk over and control me. Not in any huge way, but in small ways, and it has added up. I have trouble making decisions and not a lot of confidence. I react too defensively to criticism. And I have this perpetual worry of, "Did what I say/do upset so-and-so?"

Recently I Googled "how to not be a people-pleaser." I read some great articles, and discovered that what I am is a codependent. That is the name for someone who worries about pleasing others, and has various symptoms.

It's horrible to find out fully that, wow, I am this sortof manipulative person, who can't be genuine - like a human sponge who drinks in things, but doesn't give out - and I present different selves to different people. According to the Enneagram, which is a personality judger sortof like numerology a little, I am a "giver," aka I put others first. This can be a very nice quality...but imagine what it means for me. I don't take care of myself.

Here is a link on codependent people; I have some of these symptoms. I answered "yes" to many of those questions excerpted from Melody Beattie's Codependent No More. I plan to get that book at the library ASAP.

Link: Codependency

I've joined an online forum. If anyone has anything they want to comment, share, any resources, please do!

Being instrospective; 10 things I've learned since college

2011-09-27T15:10:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post again, because after the post I just did, I went and looked over some old posts. I found a post that I did on my last day of college last year. In it, I listed 10 things I learned in college, and I spoke of how I enjoyed being introspective, sharing, and wanted to post more "sentimental," "deep" things.

Interesting, eh?

So here are 10 things I feel I have learned *since* my college graduation; many of them will tend to be spiritual, because that's where I've been most productive:

10 Things I've Learned Since College Graduation:

1. Be yourself.

I've had a lot of trouble with this one. I have realized that I am an intense people-pleaser and I experience anxiety in my mind about whether such and such act or word will upset someone. Mostly I worry over upsetting people very close to me, but sometimes even in one-time, small-talk, or short interactions I catch myself doing this.

The good thing is that I *do* catch myself doing it now. Before, I didn't. But the past year or so I have realized that this is my habit, and I want to fix it; or should I say, adjust it. Instead of adjusting my personality or words or whatever to accommodate people whom I sometimes don't even agree with, I am going to stick to my beliefs, and be honest in my words.

I've been practicing this lately and it feels really good. I've hashed over some difficult stuff with people recently that had been pent up a long time, and it felt so good to talk about it and be myself about it, finally. I think that I can dovetail this habit of people-pleasing for my spirituality and Krishna conscious efforts; I can use it in a service mood towards Srila Gurudeva. This is my hope and desire. I pray for the determination that I lacked before, to follow through and only be anxious for, "How can I please Gurudeva?"

2. When you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

I have noticed more lately when I criticize someone or something. I have begun to make a habit of assessing how I feel when I do this. And, why? Is it really worth the fuss?

I have found that most of the time, it is not worth the fuss, the breath, and that the anger inside me does not feel good. So rather than channel it into words which could harm someone else or myself, why not just keep it inside? And stay quiet.

Even better, I want to get in the habit of trying to criticize less in my mind, too. My Gurudeva said that when we criticize someone, we are building a bridge to that person's bad qualities. Their bad qualities come inside us. So with that in mind, I want to try and criticize things and people - mentally or out loud - less.

3. Life is about self-improvement.

You know how so many think life is about enjoying? Well, I don't. I've had many years of enjoyment, throughout my childhood and beyond. I had the fortune of being very spoiled, and as a result, I've gotten somewhat tired of things being handed to me on a silver platter. I've gotten somewhat "burnt out" on enjoyment, because I've had some realization that it's not all it's hacked up to be.

I can still be very spoiled and selfish. But I am trying harder not to. I find that when I am receptive to the world around me and not so self-absorbed, I learn more. Sometimes the learning hurts, and I cry. Sometimes it feels like God is really smashing me. But in the end, when I'm past it, I realize - "oh. Look at me. I've improved. I've become a better person."

There are many ways one can define "better person", and I think it is defined differently from person to person.

Right now, what I see in myself more than I saw before, better, is, I've gained some humility, some determination, some appreciation for devotional service, and some vision to try and see in life - "What can I learn from this? What is the shining gem in this situation that God and guru are trying to give to me?"

4. Food cooked with love tastes divine.

I've been helping in the kitchen here in the country community, and the mood in the kitchen is of service and happiness. The resulting food - after having been offered on the altar, it is eaten by us - is delicious!

5. My most important relationship is between me and my spiritual teachers.

Yeah. Not friends or family, even. Guru. Guru can lead me out of any misery and into the embrace of the Lord, to the service of the feet of Srimati Radhika, the personification of Love. I haven't had my eyes opened enough to *really* want this, but I know that when I'm doing activities that are spiritual and strive for this goal, I am happiest.

6. Listen to the heart.

I know that sounds really cheesy. But just try it. When I get mental and anxious, I'm not listening to my heart; I'm listening to my mind, or my body. But when I listen to the heart, it feels natural, things run smoothly, and some inner, soul-intuition tells me, This is right.

I've made some big mistakes in the past and not listened to my heart. I can't go back in time or make up for it, but I can start listening to it now.

7. Help others.

We've got one pregnant young woman and one woman with possible mild OCD here. But they aren't the only ones who need help with the many daily tasks that keep this temple and property running. I find that when I help out, ditch laziness and the computer, I feel better. And even better, *they* feel better! =)

8. Try to really listen.

I have said I'm a good listener, but am I really? I tend to cut people off a lot in conversation. It's annoying. I want to try and stop doing this, and really lend my ears - and my heart - to a conversation.

9. Be hopeful and happy.

I can get really mental and anxious over things. But when I do, I find that my daily tasks become much more difficult, I don't sleep as well, I snap at people, etc. I don't want to be like this. So the solution is to read and chant and do other things which make me feel happy and hopeful, and most importantly to hear and serve guru, and then I find that life runs smoothly, because I let it, because I was receptive to it, because God arranged it, etc.

10. Be humble.

This one is tough. This one is a daily struggle. I find it keeps me more open to my heart, open to messages from the world and God and guru, open to friends and family, open to strangers...it keeps me on my toes, and it makes sure that I constantly learn, this method of being humble. It's very difficult, but I really think it is worth it.

Now I have to go help someone cut up fruit. Hare Krishna!

Living in a country community; discipline/determination

2011-09-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

Still not much to say here. I've been doing a lot of things, but I'm tired of just talking about myself.

I haven't been doing a lot of writing, unfortunately. I live in a country/mountain community right now, for at least the fall. I've been helping out, doing a lot of yard work, watering plants, and documenting important events that are happening around the temple.

For instance, today some of the men began installing a nice cedar gazebo over Srila Gurudeva's puspa samadhi. Puspa means flower, and samadhi means trance - in basic. So there is a little memorial site for Gurudeva here, and the gazebo will help protect it from the rough winter weather coming soon.

In October, the holy month of Kartik begins. We will have some guests for it, and go around local areas on pilgrimage, just like people will be doing in India. I haven't ever been on pilgrimage here in the West, so it will be interesting. I am happy to be so engaged.

Another thing I've been doing is service to the deities on the altar. Every night I do what is called 'arati,' or worship, by offering various items - ghee, water, flowers, fire - to the deities. It feels very purifying and soothing. I know it is a very important service; the other ladies and men who could do it are too busy. So I am helping their work load be easier by doing it, and doing a very nice service for Gurudeva and the deities.

The main deities here are really beautiful. I will try and upload a picture soon.

Pictures and videos are tough here; we have bad satellite, so I can only download, upload, and watch videos after 11 PM.

I have been staying up too late. It doesn't feel good. I seem to have no sense of discipline. I had it for school work, but where is it now? the only things I seem able to do regularly are: eating 3 times a day, chanting, doing mantra meditation, cleaning the kitchen and dining room here in the evenings, and doing the evening arati deity worship.

But as for sleeping, helping in the kitchen, watering plants on time, and getting to bed at a decent hour - nope! I seem unable to. But I'm not really unable; I've been able to get to bed early and get up early in the past, even REALLY early, like 4 AM.

I just have to be more determined.

Oh! I also want to upload some nature pictures. It is beautiful up here!

Nature appreciation

2011-08-19T15:08:00.000-07:00

There is something wonderful about being in a quiet place in nature. I don't necessarily mean a copse of trees alone or something like that, either. Even just being in a small community in the country, as I am now, is peaceful.

Question to any readers out there: What do you feel when you go out in nature?

Question 2: have you ever lived in the country?

When I go out in nature, I feel peaceful and happy. Life narrows down to the simple joys, and my worries fade away. I walk through nature and I exult in its beauty; I study it, I take pictures of it. Just walking through it is pleasant. There is nothing like it.

Right now, I am staying in a small community in the country. I used to live here, so it feels like home to me. And I am familiar with the people who live here. I might even move up here for a while; time will tell. If I can't go to India for the auspicious month of Kartik, I think I will definitely stay here.

I know there are some people who don't like nature. All the bugs, poison ivy, etc. freak them out. Those things annoy me, too, but somehow the positive outweighs the negative, for me at least, when I am in nature.

I think people who have lived in the city their whole lives and never get out are missing out. Nature is so open; it has potential to open up life and so many possibilities (and the mind, and the heart) for anyone who visits it for a while.

Earth is our mother. We need to try and take care of her better. So many horrible things are being done to the earth these days...

Go and visit nature. Appreciate her today!

What are you grateful for today? 2

2011-07-22T02:20:00.000-07:00

Today I am grateful for:

the weekend
hearing and transcribing inspiring spiritual classes
feeling that I am growing as a person and learning
reading good books
goofing around with friends
guacamole
nature
having people to talk to....and realizing, I should talk to them more!

What are you grateful for today? ...doesn't have to be the same day I posted this...

What are you grateful for today?

2011-07-08T15:18:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what to call this blog, ha. "Say what?" is pretty cheesy and obvious, but...I'm all out of ideas here. Any ideas, anyone?

I just made a delicious veggie stir fry thing, with my mother's help. Chickpeas, asparagus, potatoes, tomatoes, squash, cilantro, and SPICES!!! mmm, it was good.

Quick update on me:

* Might go to Alachua, Florida for the summer, at the end of July
* Looking forward to the LAST Harry Potter movie next week!! ;_; I'm going to the midnight showing with or without people.
* The Badger festival was beautiful, the "crying festival", as I like to call it...posts on that on my spiritual blog, here .
* Been reading, which I posted about on Inksplurge .
* Been reading way too much fanfiction, too...*sigh!*

And now, because I'm tired of the "me me me" format of this blog...here is what I am grateful for today:

cooking with my mom
spiritual books and classes that inspire me
good music
Harry Potter
having a stable, relaxing life
having realized recently in life that I'm not in control, God is, and being okay with that.
Living life day to day, instead of worrying so much. I love it! I feel SO much more relaxed. Maybe I should post about that...
Friends
Family
my room
other people's cats
writing is going well
Suzanne Collins' "Hunger Games" books; I'm on the third one right now!!

What are YOU grateful for today??

eh

2011-06-23T22:21:00.001-07:00

I have things to say, but...I have a cold. =/

Ren Faire, tv shows, and other fun

2011-05-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

Hmm, what to say? There is not a lot going on with me lately. I have been having more people to hang out with lately, which is awesome!

The other day, I went to Rollertowne, the local roller rink, with a friend who is staying nearby for a while. Usually she travels worldwide, because she is part of a band (a Hare Krishna youth band, to boot!), but right now she is staying nearby. So when she is free (and I always am), we are going to hang out.

My parents were out of town, so she spent the night and we had a girls' night! It was awesome. We watched this awful cheesy romance movie which my mom ordered via Netflix, and it was so bad it was barely funny. We also went swimming in the pool, which was lovely, and played Dance Dance Revolution at Rollertowne. (I found out I'm not as awful as I thought I would be! Yay!)

On Saturday, I went to the local Ren faire. For weeks I've been shopping at Goodwill (so so cheap, I love it) for costume pieces; and before that, I planned my costume out. It has been to research! I decided to be a Scottish woman of the highlands from the mid 1500s. I got a plaid tablecloth and by cinching it with a pretty brooch, it makes a fantastic cloak. The bodice and skirt were more difficult; I found a skirt of good old material that they would've used back then, but it was HUGE! So my mother taught me how to sew it smaller.

I'm not very good at domestic stuff - cooking, sewing, I'm okay at cleaning - so to learn this sewing was frustrating but worth it. Worth it because it came out nicely! I sewed the skirt to fit me, and while the bodice (part of a long velvet red dress) was more difficult, I did it!

Here is a picture of me in my costume (minus the cloak):

Besides that, I'm still planning to visit my friend in LA to go to the huge Renaissance faire down there. yipeee!! It will be even more awesome. At the local Ren Faire, they had booths with all kinds of stuff; I watched a funny show where these stupid funny guys told jokes, juggled, and ate fire.

I think one of the most fun parts for me was the jousting. The faire people ("Carnies" as they are commonly called, perhaps in a derogatory way?) re-enacted jousting as it was during Renaissance faire. Two big guys in armor rode these two beautiful horses across a field, and helmeted, they tried to hit each other with spears (the spears were made of wood, don't worry. But they still had potential to hurt!).

The horses were a bit skittish, so I declined from petting them, although at first I wanted to. There were so pretty.

This man was jousting for Ireland; the other for England. I was on the side cheering for Ireland's Sir Jason. Sadly, he lost the competition! =(

I really look forward to the one in LA; there will be more to see, and my friend from LA is so excited about. For the local faire, we had a good group, but we had some problems that comes with groups, such as some people being tired and some not, and differing agendas. So that was a tad annoying. But mostly it was fun!

Anyway, besides that...I haven't been writing much, which stinks. Gotta get to work again. And I'm still watching fun tv shows; House, Borgias, Castle, Bones. I *almost* want to start watching Grey's Anatomy, because I watched some with a friend after Jahnava's birthday party (It was so much fun! More on that another time). But, Grey's Anatomy is kindof depressing, very long (still running!) and overly dramatic. So even though I found it intriguing...I don't think I'll start following it.

Oh! And an old friend of mine who has been away for 5 years, is now back!! I hung out with him yesterday, it was awesome to get back together! We just sat and chatted for hours. So great to have someone who is not busy who I can talk to about anything. He's trying to convince not to move anywhere else, lol, but...fat chance!

New blog! and etc.

2011-04-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

Hi, all!!

I just made a new blog (not a replacement of this blog, a whole new one). It is a devotional blog.

The reason I made it is, two friends. One friend started a blog wherein she shares one chapter of the Srimad Bhagavatam a day. The Srimad Bhagavatam is this beautiful piece of devotional literature from India. It is thousands of verses of poetry explaining stories and philosophy from the Krishna Consciousness tradition.

My other friend encouraged me to do a blog; when I asked him, "What can I do to help the efforts in New Braj?" he said, "blog." New Braj is one wonderful place where my Srila Gurudeva would come visit annually, and there I would get to have his divine association. It is called Badger, but he renamed it New Braj. Braj is another name for that most holy of holy places, Vrindavana.

My new blog is at the following link; please check it out!
Creeper of Devotion

By the way, it's not "creeper" like some hideous stalker, haha! It's creeper as in, a vine or plant, of devotion. My blog description explains that.

Go check it out! =D

Aside from that...I have decided. I am going to do some more things here in Visalia, in LA, etc., and in June I am going to the Badger festival...but after that, I am going to spend time in Hawaii!!

I have friends over there. They will welcome me. And if I can get a job over there, even better!! My main aim there though, honestly, is to do some service for the temple, have lots of association (including other young Hare Krishnas), and get some peace of mind. I think it will be FANTASTIC to be around the natural beauty there!!

Good Books

2011-04-10T17:23:00.001-07:00

I've been reading some great books lately. I wanted to share them. I'm feeling concise right now, so I'm only going to list them; longer reviews later, perhaps.

Here they are:

- "Queen of Camelot" by Nancy McKenzie

- "The Hunger Games" by Suzanne Collins

- "InuYasha" by Rumiko Takahashi

The first is a fabulous take on Arthurian legend, wherein we see who Guinevere was before she married King Arthur, and who she became after marrying the famous king of Britain.

The second is a very famous book, which they will soon make a movie out of, wherein each year the government of Panem, once North America, requires each country to submit 1 male and 1 female to compete in a tournament, to the death. The winner lives and gets food and money for family; they have to outlive all 12 other countries' contestants, though. Katniss volunteers to save her little sister from going...and the hunger games begin! Some things are different this year than years before...

The third is a very long manga series, has romance, adventure, and humor, and is overall really good! It drags sometimes, but I just recently finished it, and man it was worth all that time spent reading! Takahashi learned how to write a satisfying ending (unlike *ahem* Ranma 1/2, which has tons of laughs but an ending that I found disappointing).

Have you read any of these series? Tell me what you think!

Feeling kindof better

2011-03-13T18:00:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling better than when I last posted.

Recently, I went to visit the Bay Area so I could hear Damodara Maharaja speak harikatha. It was very nice. He spoke about Srila Gurudeva and how the more separation feeling we have in our hearts, the more we can advance in bhakti (at which point I felt so lowly, ha). He also spoke about the power of food offered to Krsna, and how just be eating some of it an animal or human can get sukriti (pious credits, good karma). That was inspiring. He told about how Narada Muni got prasadam from the 4 kumaras and became a devotee of Krishna...

Also I got to stay at the new apartment of my friends Kish, Govi, and KK. Their new apartment is so much nicer! They have a big walk in closet, a way bigger kitchen with a table to eat on and chairs, and 2 bedrooms intead of just one. I had fun hanging out with them, they are so funny! Govi and I watched a lot of that show "Lie To Me", lol.

I have continued searching for jobs and places in the Bay Area. I decided to look for jobs in the Bay Area even *as* I look for jobs here, b/c my oldest brother said, what I should is line up a week of interview, then come up there on the train and stay a week. So I liked that idea, it is smart and practical.

I got to visit my brothers. We kited, ate delicious Indian food, and played video games. xD

So that trip was lots of fun. Also I have been reading Frank Herbert's "Dune" scifi series, which I absolutely love. I've also been writing articles for a pay-to-write website called Squidoo.

Check out my articles here! link

I've also been jobhunting (online and physically), reading fanfiction, and I just got a new phone on Friday. AT+T actually offered to UPGRADE my phone for FREE!! So cool. I went to the store with my mom, we looked at phones, and one of my tech whiz brothers said, "YOU MUST get the Android, aka the HTC Inspire." It took a bit to convince me, especially since that phone is more money and we wouldn't get it scot free. But I got it, and cost only a THIRD of what it would have cost.

I've been playing with the phone. It's very similar to an iPhone, but with less glitches and stuff. I've downloaded 2 free games and been having lots of fun with that. I can do all sorts of tings with the phone - go to facebook, go online, take pics and videos, download free music, ALL kinds of stuff!!

I've also been going out more. My friend Jessie and her little sister have been hanging out on weekends - bowling, mall shopping, watching anime, etc. We hope to go sledding soon...

So, things are looking up. I feel positive. I still get bored and bummed lately, but I feel more motivated to find things to occupy myself with. So, things are good!!

How are YOU??

Lack of Motivation

2011-02-26T22:36:00.000-08:00

It seems like I am not going to Navadwip after all. I just don't have the money! That is my problem right now...I don't have the money for anything. I can't move out, I can't travel, nothing...I am stuck here. There are some things to do, but god...I am getting so sick of:

- looking for jobs
- not getting a job
- browsing the Internet day after damn day
- not feeling much motivation to write
- not feeling much motivation for ANYTHING
- feeling stupid, lazy, and continuing to be so anyway
- being unproductive

I do draw occasionally, and write some fanfic and some original...but I am definitely not "on fire" with the writing right now. I have joined a website called Squidoo where you write articles (nonfiction, any topic) and get paid; I have to fix my Paypal account first. But anyway, I joined to get my writing out there and have something to do. It is quite fun so far! It has brought me joy in this past week. So has the sun, which is emerging.

But the big picture is still disappointing. I found a family friend who is renting rooms out for good prices in Berkeley, only to discover from a facebook acquaintance that this lady might not be favorable towards my Gurudeva, and that the current group of Gurudeva sanga devotees are disorganized and aren't having consistent programs.

So now I don't know what to do. Moving to the Bay Area was my most solid plan so far. I could whisk myself off to Hawaii, but...I am so shy. The devotees there are nice, but they are all older, or married, most of them. I don't feel I can relate. And I don't know enough about the Oregon devotees.

Sigh. I hate being grown up and all that jazz, if this is it. It sucks. Can I go back to childhood, please? Then I'll only have small things to worry about, life and hope ahead of me, and I'll have my dad back.

God I wish he were here. He would encourage me and make me feel hopeful. No one else encourages me like him. Friends, my mother, my stepdad, have been encouraging, but...I still feel the same, for the most part. I get blips of "ok I can do this, stuff can work out" and then it disappears in one second. If my dad were around to encourage me, I think this good energy would last longer in me.

I miss him.

I really want to do something with my life...to be successful...but when there isn't much to work with, what to do? I don't know...ugh.

"Paradox of our time in history"

2011-02-09T22:33:00.000-08:00

Here are a few thoughts on what we've done in history...what we've *really* done...take a moment to sit back and think on this...how can we improve? Start with yourself. Start *in* yourself.

Dig deep, and find good stuff to bring out and share with others. That's "be the change you wish to see in the world" right there!

"Paradox of our time in history"

(btw this blog, jaagruti.wordpress.com, is VERY insightful and thought-provoking. I recommend it.

"Don't waste time"

2011-01-25T11:17:00.000-08:00

I just got a jolt of realization on how much time I am wasting in my life. I stay up late, I spend my day doing nothing significant on the Internet, and then I get up late. It's absolutely disgusting, it's getting me nowhere, and it isn't even all that much fun.

Today I got a reminder from a friend on Facebook about the upcoming Navadwip Mandala parikrama. This is a pilgrimage in Navadwip, India, which I have never been on (I did Vraja Mandala parikrama, parts of). This pilgrimage is very, very significant right now. First of all, Srila Gurudeva (Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Goswami Maharaja) requested in Vrndavana during Kartik that we (the devotees, his disciples) should all go to Navadwip parikrama. Secondly, his samadhi (tomb) is being built there, and if I go to Navadwip to be at his samadhi will be a very special experience unlike any other.

Since Gurudeva's physical presence is absent now, being at his samadhi will be like...well, I am hoping I can cultivate my heart, till my spiritual garden, so that seeing his samadhi will be like being in his presence. That is my hope. I have learned that guru is eternal, but have I realized it?

I want desperately to be there at Navadwip parikrama. I know that if I do not go because of foolish excuses or my mother's worries, I will regret it for a long time. Already I regret not having been in Govardhan, where Gurudeva was, more during Kartik, and I had a stupid worry about getting sick stop me from going to Varshana parikrama. Now I want to rectify these stupid moves, and spend my time in Navadwip by the samadhi of my Srila Gurudeva. I want to be strong, and not let material excuses get in the way. Gurudeva said, "Be like my pots without holes" and "Don't be weak." I want to follow those instructions.

I have been job hunting, and I have found a couple good ones, and I have even FINALLY sent out some writing to try and get published. But now, right at this moment, I am thinking - I HAVE to go to Navadwip for the pilgrimage in March. I simply have to! There is no alternative. I can get a real job after. I can move out after. There is no time to waste. Spiritual fortune comes first; material fortune follows.

I MUST GO.

So, how can I go? Money. I need money. On Craiglist I found a position where door knockers are needed - people who sell things door to door. This job is offering $600 to $800 a week. That is the kind of money I need, if I want a ticket to India, a ticket back, money to use for parikrama fees (lodging, etc), and perhaps some saved, even enough to buy an apartment in the Bay Area when I return. I need at least $2,045 dollars, if we estimate a ticket to be $1000 each and the festival fee is $45.

So, even though a door knocking sales job is way beneath my BA degree, even though it won't improve my resume at all, I think I may just do it. If it gets me to Navadwip to visit my Gurudeva's samadhi and go on holy pilgrimage per his wishes...I really think I will do this.

Please wish me the best of luck or pray for me or whatever, so that I can do this successfully! May my endeavors bear fruit!

the highs and lows of life

2011-01-18T12:20:00.000-08:00

Well, not much to report here. I am still looking for jobs. But, good news! There are a couple in town that I feel capable of doing that don't look that bad. They aren't writing; one is at Starbucks; but at this point, I would just like to have a job.

Speaking of money, I have a few items listed on Amazon that I'm selling. Fortunately, people do seem to be buying! If you'd like to check it out, go here:
link

I went to this *really cool* rock and gem show the other day with a friend of my mom's who is also into rock/gems. I've been collecting for years, got keyed into it by my dad, and although I hadn't been adding to my collection recently, I couldn't resist getting some new things at the show.

Of all the items I got (including slabs of rock that turn beautiful colors under water, and some stones I don't have any of that type), my favorite is the one I got for $1. Not because it cost only $1, but because it's SO neat! It's a geode. They are rounded rocks, I can't remember their origin, but when you cut them open, sometimes they have beautiful rock inside, and sometimes crystals; sometimes nothing. The one I got is not hollow inside like the crystal ones; but it has a beautiful look to it, on the inside.

I will post a pic of it hopefully at some point.

On another news, I've a good old friend from college visiting, and another one is currently visiting Vienna, Austria. She's got a blog started for her trip:

Emily's Adventures in Vienna

Writing has been going well. I'm about to submit poetry and shorts to 2 magazines, and my novel writing continues.

Last but not least by any means, my Srila Gurudeva, Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Goswami Maharaja, recently passed on to return to the Lord in the spiritual world. This devastating news has me alternately sad and alternately spiritually inspired; I've talked to some good old friends, really shared from my heart. In the Krishna Conscious philosophy, we understand that guru never really leaves; guru is eternal. But having his physical form absent is a change that will take me time to adjust to. I simply hope that I can take his sweet words into my heart and live by his instructions.

Picture:

Enjoying Deviant Art and feeling whiny

2010-12-27T20:35:00.000-08:00

I posted this on my DeviantArt account recently. DA is a great website where artists and writers can share their work. I pay more attention to various favorite artists than my own work or writing on the site, though.

-

JOB HUNTING SUCKS. TRYING TO MOVE OUT SUCKS.

On another note, I am happily working on a battle scene in my novel that has been causing my trouble all week! I finally just put my timer on, sat my butt down, and started writing...whew! It feels good to be working on it. It's intense, and fun, and...wow, my good characters are losing the fight? hello, get your game on!

aside from...well...okay so, my life is in limbo. that is the truth. While I am stuck at home with family, I don't have a lot going for me. I'm still learning how to drive...my town is boring as hell...and a lot of people I know aren't around.

Gosh I sound like such a whiner.

Anyway what I'm saying is, I love having DA around, because looking at all the wonderful art distracts me from how dull and dissatisfactory my life is right now. Thank you, DA!

thoughts on life - kinda angsty

2010-12-22T21:10:00.000-08:00

I think the real reason I don't use this blog much anymore is because...I'm tired of recounting things that happened to me, and life just isn't satisfying enough for me right now to be worth posting about.

India was amazing and special, but it's hard to know where to begin when talking about it...and I have loads of pictures, they are too many to upload...

And life right now, post-India, is frustrating. I've been trying to move up to the Bay Area, to get a job and place up there. My friend who invited me to live with her in a temple-house with her fiance, well it didn't work out. So...I'm back at square one and feeling discouraged.

I talked to my uncle today, my father's brother...he encouraged me to just keep trying.

But the thing is, if I don't get to be around fellow Hare Krishnas up there - which was my whole reason for moving up there, association! - then why live in the Bay Area? Sure, there is facility for writers...sure, it's pretty...but it's also expensive. And I just, argh...association is important to me. I think if I lived up there with some random roomates, who didn't believe in what I do and who weren't vegetarian, I'd get depressed.

My life since my father passed away has changed. Before he passed away, I was okay with dorm life; I've made many friends who believe in different things, and my father brought me up to be an open-minded person. But the misery of my father dying has made me desire very strongly to be amongst those who take shelter in Sri Krishna. When my mind was going crazy with grief and I was miserable, nothing, nothing nothing could comfort me, except thoughts of Krishna. Even friends and family only helped me feel a little better about life, the world, and losing my dad.

Now, I've happily scattered his ashes in India...but the world just doesn't seem as full of possibilities and joy as it did before, to me. When things get low for me, they get low. I'm much more susceptible to depression and angst then before. Before, I was innocent and untouched; now I know better, and I tend to be more cynical. I'm still more optimistic than a lot of people, but disappointment, anger, impatience, and sadness effect me more strongly when they show up in my life, than before. It's a hurdle that I haven't quite figured out how to jump over yet.

It's been two years without my dad, but I'm still figuring all this stuff out...all I can think of to do, and ultimately the right and true answer is, to take shelter in the Lord. Really, I have no better option.

So I'm going to try and sit tight, be as spiritual as I can even while being in a morose state of mind, and let Him control me and my life.

Well there's a post...I didn't think it would be so long.

A thought

2010-10-24T23:27:00.000-07:00

I replied to tsuu's comment on how, really we blog for expression, not for popularity, but...if that's truly the case, why even keep writing in this blog? Why put so many of my personal thoughts and life online? It's dangerous, after all.

Maybe instead of blogging, which is public to everyone, I should just journal all the time...

But it is handy to know others' thoughts on it, even if it's just two friends' thoughts. Sometimes I want advice.

What do you think?

oh and speaking of advice...please see my post below on taking the bull by the horns. :)

"Take the bull by the horns"!

2010-10-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

I am going to India on Thursday...wow! wow! I am both excited and spiritually enthused, and I am also a little nervous. This will be a big trip. I do not want to offend anyone. I want to be spiritually minded...but today I went out shopping with people and got in a different mood...ergh.

I need to go to bed...but I just got an email from a friend. This friend is busy with school right now, but we have kept contact for most of summer...last time I spoke to her I think I was a bit short with her because of stress. And I suspect she is stressed right now.

But just now I saw an email from her where, she explained that her reason for not writing me lately (I asked why she hasn't been writing me for, oh, a month and a half?). She said her reason is because "We both need to do some growing up right now."

Uh...what? What does that mean? I must admit, my ego felt insulted when I read that. I felt wounded. What have I done wrong? Nothing. I explained in my reply why I had been short with her, and took a humble mood. Humility is a good quality. But still I am wondering, "What does she mean?"

It is odd, because this is a friend who has sometimes said things about not wanting to grow up, and we have had a lot of silly fun times together...so I wonder where this thought of hers is coming from. Maybe I am just being self centered, and it has nothing to do with me. But since she said "us both," I feel like I have been somehow implicated in a crime or something. It is not a good feeling. Frankly, it makes me angry, because I've been nothing but nice recently. I talked to her about a book we read. I sent her gifts. I've called her house a couple times (though yes I could've called more), and...yeah. So, what have I possibly done wrong?

I feel sometimes she looks at the world through a very cynical lens. I do not like this cynical lens being applied to me, because I feel I did nothing wrong recently to offend her, and right now I am trying to be in a positive mood...

It is disturbing.

What do you do when you find yourself in such a situation? Do you shrug it off? talk it out? ignore it? I guess by "situation" I mean...a misunderstanding where a friend is somehow uncomfortable with you and you don't understand why?

Maybe she is alienated by all of my status updates about India, and my spiritual quotes...but I have sent her countless emails asking about her welfare and showing her I care, even if I am caught up in preparing for India. And India is so important for me. This is more than about me; really, it's about scattering the ashes of my father and grandmother.

Honestly, I am just going to shrug this off. I don't want all of this mental stress. I don't want worry. I feel one benefit of going to India is that I will not have as much mental worry - at least, not from people, and not from people I know (you know how worry from people you care about is harder than trouble from strangers). Mental worry there will come from monkeys and thieves and such.

I just wish that...well, that she did not have the power to turn me from "okay" to "worried," I guess. But she is a friend of mine, and a good one. So she does have that power.

Perhaps I need to study myself more...and work on being more strong in the face of calamities. I've had other people suggest that I need to do this; maybe my friend is implying this, too.

Well, I will try. I know I certainly need improvement in some areas. (But at the same time I still feel a little weirded out and offended by her email). I'll try to get something good out of that momentary disturbance. In general I will try to be less of a worrywart and "take the bull by the horns"!

What do you think?

blah blah blah. me me me. blogging isn't as much fun anymore.

2010-10-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

This blog really hasn't seen a lot of action lately. It's funny, really, because it's not even as if I'm doing much of anything. I am learning to drive. I've been writing. I've been researching apartments, other options, and jobs in the Bay Area (where I hope to move in December). I'm still roughing it with the DMV over my car. And...I'm getting ready for going to India on the 28th of this month.

I think that last one is the real reason I haven't been posting a lot. I've been back from Disneyland and etc. for a while (it was TONS of fun! A whole day full of fun!), and yet I still haven't posted here.

I guess there just isn't much to say. I haven't felt very talkative. I haven't found any "Woohoo!" things to post about. Maybe this blog has become too much about getting attention (which it doesn't), and less about me expressing my feelings.

I really haven't journaled stuff in a while. Occasionally I'll write down some interesting realization I've had. I take notes on spiritual classes I hear and spiritual things I read. I check email and Facebook too much...and I take pictures of stuff. I don't get enough exercise.

blah blah blah. me me me. I'm trying to get out of that "me me me" space and into a spiritual space. I want to focus on material things less, even though I am materially fortunate, because I'm realizing more and more how temporary all of that is. Even relationships are. So I've been trying to spend more time reading spiritual things. I've been learning the harmonium instrument, and singing bhajans (devotional songs) with it. I go to as many Krishna conscious things as I can. I've even, FINALLY, started chanting consistently. 6 rounds every morning. It feels really good. Really good!

Maybe this blog is dead. I don't know. I'm sure I'll find something more to post...just maybe not as frequently. I'm not as self-focused as I used to be. Now that I'm not in school, blogging isn't exactly a break; instead it just seems, I don't know...less enjoyable, lately.

Anyway, not to have this be a downer...just looking at things how they are. By the next time I post, I'll probably have gone to India! There will be pictures!! <3 =D

Summer reflections

2010-09-08T10:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted here in such an extremely long time. I feel bad. I like my blog! It's so great to get comments, to discuss different things, to pour my thoughts out, and to look back on all of this. So I don't want to abandon it.

Summer has been going by way too fast. I was just talking to a friend about this in an email (you know who you are). Once I graduated, life just seemed to speed up. Before I knew it, Badger festival was done, and I was in Colorado and Minnesota visiting relatives. Then I returned, and August was a tough month. I got super lazy. I had a great birthday - went to see Sorceror's Apprentice with a good old friend - and got an iPod! So now I can't pretend to reject anything Apple anymore (I know, people reading this are probably thinking, reject Apple? What the hell is wrong with you?)

I just don't like Macs. I'm sorry. They're just too weird for me. I can't get used to them. (Actually I'm on my mom's right now, but still!) I do enjoy the iPod, though. I've been loading tons of music on it. And I've been downloading some great bhajans (bhajans = Hindu devotional music). I also have been getting back into Bjork's music. I just love her! She's so bizarre. Her music is like no one else's. And her voice is very versatile. She can go high or low, and she speaks Icelandic in some songs, which is neat. And the sounds of her music itself, are very unique. Lady Gaga can go bite it, as far as I'm concerned (except "Bad Romance," I like that one). Bjork is ACTUALLY unique and bizarre, without trying.

I have finally got my permit again, and I've been learning how to drive. I'm sortof a nervous worrywart person, so I think it's going to be slow, but I AM learning. My stepdad and I, and recently my mother, have been going out in half hour lessons in empty construction areas by our neighborhood. I'm still very much a beginner; I haven't driven around a lot of cars yet, done parking, reverse, etc. But I am working on it! I'm still haggling with the DMV over the damn paperwork so I can have my grandma's old car under my name...*sigh*

Another stress is the trip to India. You see, the lady who my dad asked to scatter his ashes, she's wonderful, but she has some problems. She is bipolar, and her last trip to India had a few episodes where apparently she harmed people. After much talking and discussion between my mom and I, I had resigned to ask her if we could go without her, because I want to get my father and grandma's ashes scattered properly, no fuss, no risk. But the lady is so...she really has a lot of love for my dad. She said she couldn't bear to not do it, and was very dramatic about it, with things such as "on pain of death." So I can't say no. And I'm not sure I really ever wanted to, because she's such a great lady, she took care of them both when they were ill...but, my mother has made her say that if she starts having trouble in India, to hand the ashes over. She agreed. So, whew! I think we'll be okay.

We go to India in November. I've never been. I'm nervous, excited, and resolved to do my duty as far as the ashes go. I have been reading a book to prepare my mind to be very spiritual. It's "Sri Vraja Mandala Parikrama" by Srila Narayana Maharaja. It is very sweet. I have been reading more of his books recently, and they are very spiritually relishable. They inspire me to chant. I have been chanting more, and it really ignites peace in me when I feel, sometimes, dissatisfied, depressed, etc.

You see, inactivity has made me give myself a hard time. I get depressed about life sometimes. I feel angry at myself. I feel like, what am I doing? Where do I go? I'm very much in a limbo state of life, with no job, no driving ability, alone at home a lot, no school to go to anymore...but don't get me wrong, I'm SO glad to be done with school! Friends of mine ahve been talking about their school lately, and I'm SO relieved that I don't have to deal with homework and stuff, haha! It's awesome.

Oh, and books! I've been ordering from www.paperbackswap.com. I really recommend it! I just finished Dracula, and I'm waiting for "Dune," the famous scifi book, to arrive in the mail.

Anyway...life goes on. This post is getting way too serious. I'm in San Diego right now, on vacation with mom and stepdad; it's beautiful! The ocean is right outside our hotel. The waves' sounds make me peaceful.

Off to the zoo! See you and this blog around again soon, hopefully...

P.S. Writing was in a funk lately; my lazy self hasn't sent out ANYTHING! ugh! But travelling has given me a boost, so hopefully it'll stick, and I'll send stuff out as soon as I get home! Please, encourage me so that it'll actually get done!

I've been...

2010-08-08T15:53:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot lately, and even though today is fairly free, I am trying to get some things done.

So, for any who care or are curious, here is a summary list of what I've been up to:

- STILL trying to get my car under my name! The DMV keeps throwing paperwork at me. It's super frustrating, but I'm going to keep trying.

- I went to visit relatives in Colorado and Minnesota. It was fun! It was so good to see my grandpa, who turned 87, after years of not having seen him. He lives alone now after my grandma passed on in 05, and it's kindof sad, but he has my aunt Cathy nearby, and a cat, and he gets visited a lot.

It was really neat to see new, beautiful places; heck, even LAZING in a different house than my mom's was cool!

- I went to LA rathayatra festival, and that was fun!

- MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW!!! I plan to go hang with friends, do some ice skating, some movie watching. Then later, before Jahnava goes back to school, I am going to visit her and we are hopefully going to DISNEYLAND!

- STILL learning to drive. well okay I've been super lazy and am just now finaaalllly picking up the driver's handbook to study. My roadtrip planned with Jahnava and Govinda next summer to visit Tsuu (yess, Tsuu! we want to come see you! This idea just came to us) will require driving, so hopefully I will certainly have my car in my ownership and know how to drive stickshift by then. Summer is the perfect time for everyone to be free, and for a road trip across the country! woohoooo!

- I want to get a temp holiday job so I can go to a festival in Hawaii in January. I know, I know, I should be working on getting a place and a job, right? well...travelling is just soo exciting. meanwhile, I AM going to submit writing places to try and get published. It's just so ncie to live it up for a while and not be chained to a desk, you know? That's what school was like for me, and I just can't stand the job of being chained to another (cubicle, ugh hopefully not) scheduled job-like thing yet. For now, temp agencies or holiday job works for me.

- eventually, I WILL figure out where to move out to, and get a job. But I am still exploring places (considering Oregon, Bay Area, and San Diego) and once I decide, then I will madly jobhunt at whatever place I've chosen.

So...life goes on!

Spending time

2010-06-29T21:50:00.000-07:00

I have not been blogging lately because I have not been here. I went to the Badger festival, and since coming back, I've been sortof...well, I've been in a spiritual mood, which is good. I have also been trying (note on the word trying) to keep up with projects - including writing. A novel is a project of sorts, after all.

My other projects have been, doing DMV paperwork so that my car can be officially under my name (I inherited it; the paperwork is a huge hassle! But I love that lil' ol' car). Also, I have picked up an old Indian instrument called the harmonium; it was invented by a French man in the 1800s, and when it came to India, it was made more portable (it used to resemble a small piano; now it is more like an accordion. You pump the accordion with one hand and play on the keys with the other hand).

Anyway, it is a very beautiful, rich-sound created by the harmonium. The instrument itself is beautiful. Here is a picture of one, for instance:

And here is a video (the instrument playing alone at the beginning is the harmonium):
video

Aside from studying that and writing, I've just been reading. I played Soul Caliber (fun video game!) with a friend, and I soon plan to go roller blading. I also want to visit relatives in Colorado and Minnesota; and later Alabama. I have a whole side of the family to meet over in AL! Two of my favorite aunties live in Colorado Springs, plus the area is beautiful. I might even consider living there one day. And Minnesota is where my last remaining grandparent lives; I haven't seen him in so long, it is vital that I go see him. He's in his 80s now.

Anyway, that is all the update I have, for now. I wish I had something more thought-provoking to post, like last time, but alas...I do not. Another day!

(oh my god I just realized - I'll NEVER have to use the school and homework label EVER again! YEAAHHHH!!!)

Struggles to motivate self

2010-06-07T16:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life can be tough in the small ways of things. There are big things, like loss, and then there are small things, like getting exercise each day and being somewhat productive.

I am having trouble with balance. It is something that I have struggled with for a while now - a while being years, really. I have trouble regulating myself without school. I get to bed late and get up late, then during the day I am still tired. Is that oversleeping? Is it lack of iron? Lack of exercise? I don't know.

I know that I need exercise and I keep telling myself this, and others, but then I don't go and do it. I come up with excuses all the time. Then later I get angry with myself, even self-hating just a little, when I see how little I've gotten done. I know that things like exercise and a regulated sleeping schedule would help me. But I continue to lack self-discipline.

When I first got back from school I felt restless, antsy, bored, and a drive to be productive. Then I managed to relax. Now I feel as if I'm TOO relaxed! Summer is driving on, and I have traveling plans ahead, but meanwhile there is the day to day struggle with myself. How do I get to bed at a reasonable time? When do I get up? How do I make sure to eat and enjoy the meals? When can I get my butt in actioin for exercise, or learn some more cooking skills? I feel absolutely useless at all this stuff, and anxious to learn and do, but then another day comes and I'm not doing these things.

Instead, I keep reading. I've been raeding library books, comicbooks, spiritual books, anything I can get my hands on. I can easily spend almost an entire day on the couch reading. I even read motivational stuff that my mother leaves around, like the Oprah Magazine and Real Simple, and for a moment when I read these, I am raring to go and be useful, productive, and happy. But then I sit there still and think, "Nah, i want to keep reading." So I do.

Just now I got up off the couch, FINALLY, because I honestly HAVE to finish packing for Badger festival if I hope to catch my ride up there tomorrow, AND, my eyes literally started to hurt from reading so much. I spent too much time on the computer, too.

I made up a great schedule for myself...which sits on my bedside table. I really need to pick that up and do it more. Then I've time for exercise, learning, and relaxing, and I limit my time with computer. Now I need to remember, also, to spend less time doing eye-straining activities like reading. Well no, not less time - I just need to learn to take BREAKS! And, when to stop!!

uuurgh. If anyone has any tips on this, or stories of their own, please share!! I feel like the more we associate on this sort of thing, the more our day to day struggles with ourselves will be easier. Havings others in the same boat helps a lot.

memorial site

2010-05-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

I've successfully made a blog site in memory of my dad. I plan to be the administrator for it and post people's memories, stories, etc. that they send me via email/comment.

Here is the address if you want to check it out:

http://loveandlightsong.blogspot.com/

I am very pleased. I've been wanting to make a memorial site for a while, something interactive where I could add things, and something that looks nice where I could change how it looks, not a pre-made thing.

Thank you for caring! :)

question

2010-05-18T03:40:00.000-07:00

I have been working very hard on a blog in memoriam of my father. That is why I am up so very late.

It is an XML, not HTML, template. If anyone, ANYONE, has any tips on how to edit a sidebar in XML template (want to put in a picture and a paragraph of text), please tell me!

I am so glad it is up though. I've been wanting to make a memorial site for a while now.

Graduation!

2010-05-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

I have graduated! woohooo!!

It was a crazy, crazy week. I was so nervous and jittery and bored that I stayed up late practically every night. Then on Thursdays there was a fantastic dinner for us English majors, both literature and creative emphasis. It was very tasty. I had asparagus, potatoes, salad, and a delicious bread roll, as well as lemonade.

After the dinner, literature majors read abstracts of their essays and us creative writing majors read excerpts from our theses. I read a two-page flash fiction (part of a short story, actually) piece. A couple friends of mine read. Everyone was fantastic! Some women were almost like performers in the way they read, very intense, and the poetry was dreamy. I especially liked one woman who read part of her screenplay and acted out the different parts.

Then on Friday, already so exhausted, I had to get up early for a very boring graduation rehearsal. It went alright. Meanwhile I'd been packing since Wednesday. My mom and stepdad arrived that afternoon, and we went to the Baccalaureate, a pre-graduation thing, and had dinner with my brothers (my sister and my dad's brother - my uncle - couldn't make it, unfortunately, because of money).

Then Saturday - bam! Suddenly I had my cap and gown on and it was time for graduation! We marched around the corner of Mills Hall to our seats to very triumphant, grand music. My friend Govi made it from over in San Fran and seeing her on the way to my seat made me so happy.

Nancy Pelosi, speaker of the house, was our commencement speaker. I actually found Congresswoman Barbara Lee's speech more inspiring, but Pelosi was interesting, and we got free copies of her book. I was so excited and happy as I sat there at the ceremony. I joked and whispered to friends, and it just felt so good to be done. At the end, we all stood up and with these little wand things we'd gotten, showered confetti everywhere!

Oh, and the most important part was walking up to the stage and receiving my diploma cover (I got the actual diploma later). I felt very happy, grand, and important. I made sure to weak tokens in memory of my grandmother and father. My uncle and other relatives were able to watch it live online via the college's webcast! Awesome!

After the ceremony I took pictures, ate strawberries, and then went to lunch/dinner. Then I convinced my mom and stepdad to bring me to the first house I was ever in, which I had never had time to go see before. That was an experience. It's this old yellow house from the late 1800s, sitting in Berkeley. When my mom and dad were there they owned the entire third floor and rented to people. Now, a 90 year old Belgian man owns half of the third floor, and he kindly gave us permission to see it. My mom was pointing out places and recounting stories for the house tour we got from a tenant there.

It did make me a little sad...'cause I would've loved to tell my dad about seeing that house, and I'm sure he would have had different memories from there to tell me than my mom.

After that, I hung out with friends for one final night in the dorms. Even after a 2 hour nap, I was still exhausted! But we stayed up late watching movies anyway...:) it was fun!

Now I am back home! We stuffed everything in the car and drove home yesterday. I was so exhausted. As soon as we got home at 5:30 pm, I went straight to bed! I had been sleep deprived all week, and graduation itself was so exhausting. I slept for 14hours! FOURTEEN! Nuts, I know.

I am still tired, too. Took a nap earlier today, and plan to go to bed ASAP. Who knew graduation could be soo draining...

As for how I feel right now...I found myself surprisingly less sad than friends when saying goodbye yesterday...I don't know why. I guess I feel like I accomplished what I wanted to in college. Also, I feel like I have many good things to go back to. I am so fortunate to have loving family and friends close to home. I think my college friends, some, had more opportunity at school than at home, and more social lives, so perhaps that is one reason they were more sad than me...

I look forward to sending out my writing this summer, to traveling, and to festivals. I am relieved to be home, and happy. It feels strange though, too. I don't quite know what to do with myself. It is weird to be free with no to-do list.

Starting in December, after India and summer, I will have to REALLY get in action and look for 1) a place to settle, whether here or back in the Bay Area 2) a job!

But I don't want to think about all that right now. My work for this summer will be sending out my writing. For now, that is enough.

friends and me at graduation

friend Govi and me after ceremony

10 lessons

2010-05-05T01:57:00.001-07:00

So, my friends...

I have been looking over some old posts. Oh, it is interesting. I may not be writing in my diary anymore like I did at ages 9 - 13 or so, but I do certainly blog a lot, don't I? Well, that's what it feels like...I mean, look at all those archives!

I have been realizing more lately, how much I value the so-called "sentimental." I value it more since my father passed away, too. I was thinking about this, because I was reading an old post of mine from 2007, where I talked about how embarassed I was when I looked over my 11-year-old-me's diary entries about my infatuation with a boy. Then, I was reading Tsuu's post about her mother...and I was thinking, oh, this is what I want. I mean meaningful. I want emotion. Even if it just silliness or funny stuff.

So, I want to try and post and think more introspectively - more about myself. What makes me, me? What deep things come to my mind that I don't write down, but probably should? I think the deeper posts on this blog are the more interesting ones, anyway, much moreso than the time-wasters.

Today I was walking around my school picking flowers for my dorm room altar. As I walked, I was thinking about how tomorrow is my last day of college classes. Ever. And as I walked, I wondered...what have I learned in my four years here?

It is a tough question, because I know I've learned more than academic knowledge. Here are some spontaneous answers:

Things I've learned in college

1. I've become more self-confident, and more assertive in my dealings with people. In relation to this, I feel I am more honest; I speak more what I want to say, instead of keeping it in. I am still working on this one, since my father passed away. Grief is the hardest thing for me to get out of my heart and out of my mouth, it seems.

2. I've learned a lot about writing, of course. I couldn't list it all here, all the little tips, tricks, new genres I've explord, etc. My biggest one that I notice though, I think, is: - I am more free thinking about "what defines me and my writing," and - I have less fear of revising stories, be they short or long.

3. I recently went to an old arcade games museum. I had several fortune teller figurines in boxes give me fortunes saying, "Be careful when picking friends." I thought about this. I really, really love my friends. They are wonderful people. I value my friends I've made at school a lot, too. They are different. They have different views of the world. I hope my Krsna Consciousness has given them an inkling of more spirituality than they might have had. In turn, they have helped me be a stronger person, and more fun, and I hope this turns out to be a good thing.

As for my Hare Krishna friends, I may not have seen them a lot in the last 4 years except for summers, but...oh, they have the sweetest hearts. I am blown away by their sweetness, again and again.

4. Sharing. I really value sharing stuff with people. Thoughts. Feelings. Hugs. I don't like distancing myself. I do like private time, of course - I can be quite snappish if it's interrupted - but sharing is awesome.

5. I've learned to be firmer with people. My college friends and I have had to deal with some really unpleasant nutters, and because I was forced to, I learned when to say "no," "go away," etc.

6. Listening. I have often thought of myself as a good listener. Not to be boastful, but...I still think I am. I think, in fact, that I am much better at it than many I have met at school.

7. Nature is so, so important to me. I already knew this, but in tough times at school, it has really served to rejuvenate me. Whether it's a bad day on-campus and being able to look up at pieces of sky between tree branches, or a day off-campus in the city and spotting a colorful flower, it makes me smile, almost every time, it seems, that I take time to notice it. That is powerful.

8. Try new things. I think of myself as someone who does not enjoy or adapt easily to change. This is an idea that has been in my head about myself since moving, that I hate change. But...I think I have become better at handling it. I can't think of any exact evidence right now, but I think I'm better at it. "Try new things" refers to all sorts of stuff; writing, reading, going places, just...yes. It's great.

9. I love my writing. I really, really do. It helps me escape. It helps me feel alive. It's fun. It's challenging, but that is good. I know that I can improve, and I will, and I hope that my love for it and my innate stubborness, and all my schooling, and all my father's belief in me, will help me succeed in this career path.

10. Growing up is hard and scary, but I don't want to be Peter Pan. I really don't. I guess I sortof thought that would want to be Peter Pan, and not grow up, but...there are good things to growing up. I like talking deeply about things. I like being able to face tough issues and overcome them. I don't like doing tax worksheets for economics, but you know, if I have to I'll sit down and do it. I do get something out of it.

And meanwhile, there are escapes. Grown up or no, I will always joke and laugh. I will often sit down in front of a movie I watched as a kid, and instead of "viewing it new eyes," I will try to watch it with my old child mindset. I still love climbing trees, and running around, and making silly voices and pretending things. It's just part of who I am.

It IS hard to balance it - all of this stuff that goes under the category of "who I am," the kid and the adult. I'm not really sure, who I am! I mean, what does that even mean? The only "me" I'm sure about is that there is a soul inside my body, and that is the true me. Nothing else is really reliable.

Well, I really should be going to bed (speaking of unreliable - I never have a set bed time, and no matter HOW much I try, I always seem to go to bed late!). I like "deep" posts like this. They are fun and interesting.

Night!

almost done with school!

2010-04-25T01:28:00.001-07:00

Getting ready for the home stretch! Only 2 more weeks of classes, then finals, then - graduation! woo hoo!

wow - 2

2010-04-13T22:18:00.000-07:00

So, I wanted to update on this (already, I know! Well, this guy texts me almost daily now. We are quite the buddies at this point).

I'm not sure where this thing is going now, with this guy friend of mine, since he and I have talked since my post. I have told him that I can't guarantee anything, and some of my thoughts on things, because...really, I don't want to lead him on. I'm not sure how far I am wanting to go in the possibility of relationship with him.

So, I don't really know if this thing with this friend is as "happening" now as it was in my last post. But we are still going on our friend date. =D

(How do I feel about the idea of not being together with him? I feel a bit less pressured. Less excited too, though. I kinda wish I could just..date the guy for a month or something, to have that experience, and with someone I know already and who I know will treat me well. Not sure if he'd go for that, though. It would be like using him, really, and that would not be nice. So I guess I can't really do that).

I'm hoping to get to know him more over conversation, and when he finally comes to California again (and the friend date).

I think his feelings for me, honestly, are based on the plain fact that I'm one of the few decent people he's encountered lately in his life. He has had a lot of bad girlfriends, bad friends, depressing jobs, etc., and has lived far away from home and family in the past few years. If he was surrounded by amazing, kind people, I probably wouldn't stand out to him so much.

Even so, it's good to feel like a special person to someone, and a guy, haha. It gives me some confidence. So even if he loses interest, or I decide I don't want to be with him, or we mutually decide we'll just stay friends, that's okay with me. I'll have gained some confidence in my own attractiveness, and I think our planned friend date will be AWESOME.

wow

2010-04-11T00:26:00.000-07:00

You know the saying, "be careful what you ask for?"

well...I have gotten what I asked for. =3 It's kind of exciting! Oh boy...and yet it is madness.

I posted on my blog a few months or weeks or whatever ago, about the pressure I feel to find some guy, and the wish that I could be less shy, or that someone, as Tsuu so aptly phrased it, would "chase me."

Oh boy. I got what I wanted. I am being chased! ack!

It's this guy I've known since highschool. We used to hang out after school sometimes, and he walked me home a couple times. He was together with another friend of mine, a great girl, for a while. Then they separated, and a couple years later, I really wanted someone to go to prom with, to dance with, and not just a stranger. So I asked this guy friend of mine. And he said yes.

And I have to admit...something may have started, there. I remember feeling a bit jealous when this guy friend seemed to be being chatted up a lot by his ex (our mutual friend, who went with her date and another friend, we all went as a group to prom). So...yeah.

Then he's been in the army, and then he went to Kentucky and was going to live there and marry his girlfriend...but they had big problems erupt, which went on for a while. Finally he moved from Kentucky, and is now in Nevada.

He is hoping to come out to California soon...and he asked me out on a date.

O_O I turned it into a "friend date," because, let us say...I'm not sure on this, how far I want to go, how I feel. He has just a few months ago, told me he has feelings for me, and at that point I told him...okay well, let me be honest. He told me he was attracted to me, and I replied with a, "sorry I just see you as a friend" sort of thing.

But then...we started talking more. A lot. And I shared my grief over my father with him, a lot, moreso than I have any other friend in my physical real non-online life, because his mother passed away about a year before my father did. So this guy friend of mine helped give me strength, and really listened.

He's a really sweet guy. I'm not sure if I have feelings for him beyond friendship...he has a wonderful personality and a big heart. I can talk to him honestly about things. I'm not really physically into him, and I just found out his favorite color today...funny, how in knowing each other for years, a small detail like that has gone missing.

We've been talking a lot recently, and he's been sending me these really sweet text messages...which turn me into goo, because hey, I never get compliments. I'm pathetic like that, haha. But...I don't want to lead him on. I like compliments, and I AM curious about having a relationship/kissing/going on dates/all of that, but...I don't want to just USE him because I'm curious. This guy really, genuinely seems to have feelings for me. He deserves more than to be led on.

My real issue with the entire thing though, is that this guy is not the same faith as me. I really, ideally, would want someone who is also a Hare Krishna. For marraige, dating, whatever. But...part of me is saying, "Are you an idiot? This guy loves you! He's the sweetest guy!" And then another part of me says, "This isn't going to work. Don't go into something that won't work."

But if I'm just going to wait around for perfection, well that's never going to come...so should I just go for it? I don't know! I'm very confused and muddled about it...I'm excited, but I really don't want to hurt this guy's feelings. I've told him straight out that I don't know how far I want this to go, and he's fine with that, he just wants to spend time with me.

I'm thinking, I'll go on the friend date with him...and see how I feel from there.

Advice? tips? help! I'm utterly clueless in this arena! I need Elysabeth's wisdom on life in general and Tsuu's opinion on the religion thing...ack!

Realization(s)

2010-04-07T01:31:00.001-07:00

Right now, it is roughly only one month until I graduate.

I should be jumping for joy, right? I should be feeling accomplished? Lately, everyone has been making me feel, that these are the sentiments I should be having. They have been saying things to me like, "You are almost done!" and "Wow, a senior already?!" all in these exalting, high-pitched, happy voices.

The thing is, I don't feel this at all about graduation. Nope, not really. Maybe a tiny bit. Really though, I see each day as closer to graduation. I don't feel sadness to leave; I feel like I have been at my college a long time, and in school for my whole life, really.

Of course, I have a lot to be grateful for. Wonderful colleagues. Friends. Esteemed professors. Beautiful, beautiful campus. Fabulous English Department. Creative and artistic opportunity. I have gained academic as well as social skill; I am more honed in my craft; I have become more specific in what I know I like and dislike, as well as more open. I have seen more of the world.

Really though, my feeling about graduation is one of heavy relief. I can't wait for it to be over. I can't wait. I've been thinking, wondering to myself, why this desperate need for it to be done? Is it just the workload? No, it couldn't be just that. I had more work last semester than I do right now.

What's wrong with me? My mother and others, I think, perhaps secretly wonder - why doesn't she feel happy about it? I am happy about it sometimes (to others, mostly), but even that, I feel, comes out of my great relief to soon be done.

Well, I've been thinking about it, and I think I finally realized why my feelings about graduation are relief; why I just want it to be OVER. It has to do with my father.

You see, I picture graduation day, and everyone there, except my father. I remember my highschool graduation 4 years ago. He missed the ceremony itself, ever-late, but he was there for me after, to hug me, and take pictures. He was so happy for me.

So much of my ideas about my future, were shared by me, with my father. I spoke more with my father about my future than I did with anyone else. My father shared his dreams with me, and I shared my dreams with him. We didn't exactly paint pictures of him sitting reading my books, or me going to his healing seminars (well, maybe a little), but...still, that future was ahead of us. It was grand. It was fun. It felt so good, to share so intimately, to be so loved, to share so much, and so far. It had that feeling, of, "wow!" and intrigue and happiness.

Of course, all that isn't there anymore, because he isn't here anymore. He won't be there at graduation. All I'll have is a card he gave me at highschool graduation, with a poem and a "love," with his signature. That wouldn't be the same, if... Oh, if they were here! My grandmother and father would've driven all the way from Los Angeles. They may have been late, or missed the entire ceremony, but they would have been there for the pictures and everything.

And that's not even the whole of it, that they won't be physically there for the graduation day itself. It's what graduation day symbolizes - "oh, future! the world is before you! be happy! Oh, isn't it grand? You're all grown up! Welcome to your future!"

But for me, graduation day will just remind me of how much I have lost. It is a great blight in my mind, a huge, disastrous, ugly, horrifying, sad reminder. I don't want to come to that day; and yet I do, so much, so that all that sorrow can rush in me and I won't have to be waiting, waiting for it.

I want to be in my future right now. I want to run out and grab my dreams just like my dad and I always talked about! I'm sick of waiting. I don't want to think of the great swallowing loss that graduation day will remind me of; I'd rather be past it, in the days where I am in the future already, in my dreams, living them. He was so determined to live his dreams, and I feel so sad that he didn't get some of his dreams, even if they were material dreams. I hope I can attain my dreams.

Really, all I want in life right now, is this: I want to be happy, around people I love very much who are affectionate and love me very much. I want to write. I want to go to the temple and programs, and exalt in inspiring association and the worship of the Lord. That is all I want to do in my life right now; those three things.

All the other wishes - to travel, to paint, to have a beautiful house and a wild garden, kids, family, learn to drive - all of that could fall off the earth, and I don't care. I just want love. Love of family, love of writing, love of God. That's all I want, ultimately. I might change my mind next second, next day, but in my heart deep down, unchanging, that's what I want. Defined.

But I want it now! I wish school was over so I could finally be free, and reach for all that I want.

Sleeping in and other issues

2010-03-13T11:16:00.000-08:00

I hate it when people indirectly (or directly!) insult the fact that I sleep in very late on the weekends.

If I wanted to, I am very capable of getting up at 6 in the morning and being active that early. I have done it for a beautiful, religious festival in Badger in the recent years, and I make sure to go to bed early the night before. It is very worthwhile, and I love every second of it.

I know that the main reason I sleep in so late (10:30 am, 11,) is because I go to bed late. I know that I could, and should, go to bed early. However, when it comes from someone other than my mother telling me what I should and shouldn't do - especially someone younger than me - it bugs me.

Also, you know what? I don't always just stay up late and then sleep in. Sometimes, I DO try to get to bed early. But it's difficult! I have trouble getting to sleep. I think too much. Even when I don't think too much, it's hard. I won't say I'm an insomniac, because I do sleep, but if there were one word for a person who has a lot of trouble getting to sleep - even when exhausted - that would be me.

This morning, I was in the bathroom washing my hands, and a friend of mine exited the shower area of the bathroom, said hello, and asked when I was going to brunch. Brunch = breakfast and lunch. They serve it from 10:30 am to 1 pm on the weekends at my school cafeteria. My friend said, she was going right away, and I said, "I'm going later, because I want to do some homework, I'm waiting for [other friend's name] to wake up. You always go early."

Then, this girl who lives down the hall from us who was also washing her hands, looked at me and said, "It's not early right now."

I know she wasn't telling me "wow you get up so late," but the laughing tone that she said that in made me feel like she was. It made me feel like she was indirectly mocking and insulting me.

I almost wanted to say to her, "You know what? Don't insult me for getting up late. Do you have trouble sleeping? Have you had YOUR father whom I'm sure you love very much, pass away in the past 15 months? In fact, have you ever had anything exceptionally bad happen to you? Well I bet the answer is no, so in that case, SHUT UP!! Get your nose out of my business!"

Seriously. Ugh. I can handle it when people mean well, such as my mother urging me to go to bed early (and I try, sometimes! I really try!). But when it comes in a snarky tone from a second-year student who has no idea what my REASONS are for sleeping in, then I simply cannot help being angry. I'm not going to say anything to her on it, but seriously, that girl can just back off. Keep your nose in your own damn business.

I know that "I stay up late" and everything else I said, sound like my excuses for staying up late and genuinely enjoying sleeping in. The thing is, yes when the Internet keeps me up I can very well prevent it. Yes it is stupid and I can remedy that by disciplining myself and getting off the computer. But sometimes, I genuinely NEED to sleep in. When I've just spent the previous two nights staying up till midnight because of mid-semester homework load, when I've laid there in bed for an hour unable to sleep because of how intensely I miss my father, then damn it, I have a GOOD reason to NEED to sleep in!

And people who don't know this information about me, I suppose, rationally I should not blame them. But I do, because you know what? People need to try harder to be sensitive. I have noticed since my father passed away, when someone makes the extra effort to be nice, and when some mean comment comes up, I also cannot help by notice it. I resent it, because I know I deserve better, and I know they could do better - how hard is it to be a considerate human being?. Furthermore, I do have a chip on my shoulder against people who act meanly so easily, because I have my father's example as someone who, throughout all his hardships, was always, ALWAYS a decent person to everybody else (even people who didn't deserve it), in all circumstances.

I wish that more people would be like that, and take the extra step to be kind, and think beyond themselves. My father certainly did, and I hope that I can do the same.

updaaaate!

2010-03-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

Wow, my blogs have been really out of action lately! What a shame.

Currently, I am swamped with senior year, last-semester college homework. Uuuggh. BIG ugh. I am so tired of school!

Aside from that, I should be spending time thinking about what I want to do with my life and what the meaning of life is, blah blah blah...but I'm just tired. I have a decent schedule, but when I am not doing homework, I am cavorting about the Bay Area and trying to relax and have fun.

I do have plans for the future, though. If my financial plan made for Economics class goes well, I'll have a novel completed and revised by 2011. Yay! This summer, I'm hoping to spend part of with two favorite aunts over in Colorado. I might accompany one of them to Minnesota to visit my grandpa (my last remaining grandparent!).

I am STILL "learning to drive," but have been lazy about studying the driver's handbook and getting my permit. Once I do, my eldest brother gave me permission to practice driving in his cars, and my other brother agreed to teach me.

I've been working madly on getting 3-5 pages done for my Creative Writing thesis class, which is once a week. The class has been a lot of fun. I am breaking out of previous shells and writing short stories, and have even managed to write some VERY short, flash-fictiony stuff (2-3 pages; a big accomplishment for my wordy self). I'm hoping to submit these short stories (and my giant poetry collection) to various literary magazines over the summer.

Right now, I'm preparing poetry and shorts for my college's writing contest. Submissions due next week! Wish me luck for winning - the prize is money! (Which I have, I can say quite proudly, been saving nicely lately).

I've also been watching movies, playing computer games, and reading, per usual. I recently finished "The Book Thief," a suspenseful, well-written, but understandably depressing book set in Nazi Germany with a young female protagonist.

Once my Econ. presentation is done tomorrow, I plan to snatch a few books from the library to reward myself with. Ahh, the joys of reading something for fun! I find it really destresses me.

Sleep continues to intermittently evade me. But I keep trying to catch it, anyway. Late bedtimes don't help. It makes me remember my father, who would sometimes have dinner at midnight (over a movie, too) and not get to bed until three! Ah, I miss him.

May is when I will be graduating. The Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, will be speaking, which is great, except they're thinking of making our graduation "open to the public" because of it. This is irritating, because it means parents will have to vie for seats against the public (unless my school kindly provides reserve seating!). I and some friends are writing a letter of protest to try to get them to change from "open to the public" to private, instead, so that our parents can be sure to have good seats to see us from on graduation day!

That is all.

(Oh, I'm trying to introduce this "blogus cloud" thing to my blog. I think it's really cool; found it on a school-related blog. What do you think? Hope it works...)

Ugh

2010-02-08T22:48:00.000-08:00

You know what bugs me? When people treat you condescendingly for something small and stupid, or when they give you attitude about not having watched/read something.

For instance, I feel like a get a lot of "You haven't watched THAT show?!" from people. I watch a fair amount of tv and movies; however, I missed a lot of shows when I was a kid because I lived in the country and didn't have cable.

What really bugs me is, not only do people say things like that, but they say it in a condescending tone, as if, because of not having experienced that thing, my life is not as up to par as theirs. I don't like that. Instead of giving me that tone, they could instead say, "Oh, you don't know it? Well then, let me tell you..." They could then proceed to inform me about it. If they want to 'enlighten' me, they can go ahead. Making me feel stupid or being RUDE to me about my not knowing something, does not make me want to go familiarize myself with their reference. It makes me want to get away from that rude person.

Furthermore, I've even gotten this sort of attitude from people who know that I have grown up in the country and in a small town. I don't have the same opportunity as they do, or did, to experience all of these things. And, just because I didn't, doesn't mean that I wasn't spending my time well in some other way. Knowing my small-town upbringing, people still expect me to get all of their jargon and references, and give me flack when I ask questions or say I'm not familiar with something.

I just wish that people, instead of giving me that rude tone, would kindly introduce me to whatever they feel it is so vital for me to know. I would like them to respect where I came from and how my life is different from theirs, instead of expecting me to understand everything from their perspective.

We each have our own journeys. I wish people would think of that more often. We have our own lives, our own lessons, and if we haven't all watched the oldest cool kids tv show, and don't know how to pronounce some name from another country, then so what? Don't jump down my throat about it. Just tell me.

short stories! ack!

2010-01-27T14:38:00.000-08:00

How does one start writing their THESIS? The thesis is arguably the most important assignment of one's entire college career.

I am a creative writing major, so there are many options for me. I could write a novel. I could write a short story of poetry collection, or "flash fiction." Right now, I have no idea. I want to do short stories so that I can get them published hopefully ("get my foot in the door," as I always say). But I don't feel very confident in my short-story writing abilities. I tend to be very wordy and descriptive...my short stories are never under 20 pages.

And right now, I have to magically get the first 4-5 pages of my thesis written, because those first few pages are due on Friday. Ack!

Fortunately, the entire thesis project is not so intimidating, because I only have to produce 40 pages. It's just that beginning is tough. Where to start? 'Specially since I haven't really had/made time to write a short story outline...maybe I'll do a quick 'flash fiction' piece. (I've never written flash fiction - wish me luck!)

I almost just want to cave and keep writing my novels for the class...but then I wouldn't have any short stories to market myself to the world, come post-graduation. As my professor was saying, short stories and poetry are a good way to enter the market, and then they ask you, "Do you have a book?"

My answer will be yes. But first - short stories! ack!

;ljadfl;af;aglnk

2010-01-09T22:41:00.000-08:00

People I know are getting married left and right! Seriously! I can't believe it!

It makes me feel sortof immature in comparison, becuase I know I am not at all ready to be married, right now. These people who are getting married are around my age, too...wow.

Sometimes I feel like the only big life experience I have...is school.

That and my father passing away...dealing with death is of course a big thing that makes you "grow up."

But....marraige?! wow.

Another question that comes to my mind is - HOW do these people find people that they love so much and want to marry? I want to find someone I love that much! Dang. Gotta get to work! lol.

Seriously though. I do see myself with family and married in, say...15 years, when I'm 35. I didn't think of myself as a career woman, as in career first before marraige, but maybe I am, 'cause I'd like to have some travel time and get some books out...not that I can't do that when married, but yeah.

Just...wow. Mindblowing. My highschool friend Laura Russell, is now Laura George, and Gopal, who used to go to Badger school with me, I just saw his marraige pics up on Facebook. O_O

The world is speeding by too fast for me! I better get a book out soon so I can feel I've done something and accomplished something....not that school is not a big accomplishment, 'cause it is, but just....sheesh.

School gets you towards a career. It doesn't get you a husband and all that. So...yeah. But hey, job is half of it, right? So I should consider school as, a very big investment (which I am done with in MAY!) towards getting that half all cleared up and tied nicely.

Yeah. No pressure. Right?

*sigh*

a few more pics

2009-12-11T14:29:00.000-08:00

From my Fall 2009:

At the Berkeley temple:

Another pictures post

2009-12-10T11:54:00.001-08:00

This is one of a few blog picture posts, where I am posting pictures from my Fall 2009.

At school:

Zoo and icecream pics

2009-12-08T22:55:00.000-08:00

This will be one post of a few to show pictures from my fall 2009.

Thoughts on how upbringing affects how people get along

2009-12-02T00:06:00.000-08:00

I was just now brushing my teeth and came upon a realization.

I think I finally figured out why it is that I feel awkward about relationships with friends sometimes. You know what it is? It's that they get confused when I do not show traits that are the person they are familiar to them, that they associate with me.

Then I do not know WHO to be. And when around two different groups of friends who know me differently, I do not know which "me" to be; how to merge the two?

Let me explain: I have a Facebook page. It is a joint Facebook page, shared with one of my friends I met in college. We are very silly and post all sorts of silly pictures. Some are of me in unrecognizable, silly costumes. We have our own inside jokes and strange sense of humor. I joke with this friend differently than I do with others.

So, a lot of Hare Krishnas are on Facebook. They see me on the account and expect it to be the "me" that they are familiar with. I have noticed, so many people are bugged about my having a joint Facebook account with someone they don't know.

But what I figured out is, it's not necessarily about the friend of mine that my other friends don't know. It's about them seeing a part of me that they aren't familiar with. I think the saying 'afraid of the unknown' applies in this situation.

For that same reason, I had a few awkward birthday parties over the years where my two groups of friends 1) from the town I grew up in, and 2) friends I knew from school, these two groups just didn't get along. It made for much less fun parties. Very awkward. Ugh.

That is what happened with my joint Facebook account. I got so sick of all the awkwardness that really THEY created, that it made ME feel awkward. Feeling awkward, I felt pressured, plus part of me wanted to make another page where I could "be the me" that these Hare Krishna friends recognized. So, I made a separate, me-only account.

It's fun. It feels good. Really though it feels RELIEVING, to have that awkwardness gone. Now my group of friends from Badger and other Hare Krishnas (and my mom!) can see my one Facebook page, and my college friends and I can still be silly on the jiont-account Facebook page. All awkwardness gone!

I just wish people would get along more, though. That would be ideal. If only people could see the similarities they share instead of the differences. Or at LEAST TRY to get along because of a mutual friendship with me. Grraahh.

And are they really that different? I mean, as far as the friends from my age group, we do share some things, don't we? We like movies. We like to have fun. We like games, and silly things, and even some of our jokes are "bad" jokes that some of our more conservative parents wouldn't approve it. I mean, admit it. I watched "Pineapple Express" with Hare Krishna kids. They liked it! And that would be offensive in some of our parents' eyes. But we still like it; and so would my college friends.

I guess it just all comes down to upbringing. Us Hare Krishnas were brought up very differently. We were brought up in a very affectionate community. We were brought up with our parents wanting to shield us from violence, swearing, sexual promiscuity, drinking, etc. Some parents don't mind some of that (like watching "The Matrix" at Govinda's house, or "The Simpsons"). But with most of the Hare Krishna parents who raised us, well...they don't let that stuff fly. It isn't in line with our religious principles, and Krishna Consciousness is not just a religion; it's not just something we "go to church on Sunday" for and then leave every other day of the week. Krishna Consciousness is a lifestyle. It's like a warrior honoring a certain code - you just don't break it, man. You just don't do certain things.

And I mean, that isn't to say that some haven't. Look at Badger in the 80s-mid 90s when my siblings were growing up. It was "that hippie place with drugs." My sister even hates Badger now. It was so boring then that, you know, some kids did do drugs. Definitely not approved by the Vedic lifestyle.

But the point is, the Badger of my generation is different. Not to diss the then-Badger, but let us just say, the contemporaries that I had from 3rd grade to 8th grade were not the rule-breaking ones. We were our parents second chances, I guess. Their chances to really get us emotionally attached to Krishna Consciousness. We WANT to have that lifestyle; the old Badger kids of my sister's generation, didn't, from what I've heard and seen.

And now we are bringing this lifestyle into the world, into college with us where, let's face it, people think differently. We would seem uber-conservative, ridiculous even, to some. But we're not Amish or something. We do get into all those material sense-enjoyment things sometimes. Like I said, we do things that our parents would not consider the Krishna-Conscious "thing to do." But, the thing about us is that, I think deep inside, we want to do the Krishna Conscious thing. We have been made more aware of our true position, as devotees of Krishna, and we have a conscious desire to try and bring that true position into the forefront of our lives and selves.

That is why when some of these Badger friends of mine are met with non-devotee kids who were brought up way differently, things just don't click between the two groups. And as for me, I guess I just make it work. Somehow. I always seem to be that person riding the fence between two groups that don't quite get along...I'm that peaceful person that can see both side of things, I guess.

It's just all very frustrating sometimes.

I am very grateful for my upbringing. I wouldn't have it any other way. And I would not say I would entirely miss it, had my life been different and I had never left Badger at age 12, and instead continued to be immersed in the small Hare Krishna community there. I love the lifestyle of Krishna Consciousness. It has made me who I am. I wouldn't give it up for the world.

But when two groups of friends clash, what can I say? It aggravates.

Anyway, wow this post was lots of thinking churning out through my fingers...very interesting. I feel I got a lot of stuff out. Thanks for reading!

happy holiday!

2009-11-26T15:57:00.000-08:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!

I hope you get to spend time with family, like I do, and can have an easy time even given losses that life deals us. I am trying myself to remember with love and affection those I have lost, and be grateful for the time I spent with them. I am grateful to be sitting down right now to a lovely, home-made dinner, and to be brought up in a wonderful community of people that have and continue to nourish me in my life.

Rain and pain with a bit of sunshine

2009-10-13T11:26:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted here in a long time and I keep meaning to. School has kept me very busy. I have so much homework and time and energy spent that I feel I rarely get any time to myself or in my room, even though I live in my dorm room. There is a lot of reading to do, and a Journalism 1 class I have requires that I go all over the place to find stories to write articles about.

It is a good excuse to get off-campus and go places. I've been wanting to go more places forever, anyway, since nothing really ever happens much on my campus. I want to go hiking in Golden Gate Park, and also see their Botanical and Japanese Tea gardens. I want to go hiking in Muir Woods again, and also, I want to go bowling!

Lately, I have been sortof troubled about various things. School is stressful, and I am soon coming upon the year anniversary of my father passing away. I can't believe it's been a whole year. It is still a very heartbreaking thing to me. People make the mistake of saying, "getting over," but you never get over it. You get through it. Even just the word 'death' still unnerves me. I don't like to say, or even think, or even type, "he died." It's freaky and sad.

This weekend there is an auspicious religious holiday though ("Govardhan Puja"), and I look forward to going to the temple program for that. Might bring some friends along. Hopefully will take some pictures. That, and the fact that it is pouring rain outside, make me happy today. Rain makes me sleepy and dreamy. I love listening to the sound at night; it helps me sleep.

So, I am trying to find things to look forward to and be happy about. And I don't really show people that I'm unhappy; I'm very bad at expressing that, and maybe perhaps because it's more a subconscious thing, and then I realize in certain moments, "wow, I'm not happy." I think I just keep chugging along while kindof blocking out my real thoughts, and then something happens or someone says something to remind me, "oh, yeah. Sad."

It's not that I feel super, super, sad, just...drifting. Like, I'm going through the motions of life, but not really enjoying them, not really excited about anything. Not even graduation in May. Without my dad to encourage me and talk to me about my future, it's hard to look forward to it.

I do hope to learn to drive over winter break, in my cute old stickshift car. That car is like a friend to me.

Another wish of mine is to go to India and scatter my relatives' ashes there...but I'm not sure if that will happen. All I can do is pray about it, and hope, to have my feet touch the holy ground this year.

Writing has been going very slowly, partly because of school, partly it's just me. I went through the first draft of "Maugre" and wrote down what happens in each chapter and each chapter's problems. That was helpful. Next, I plan to write a revised outline.

Yesterday in my creative writing class, we were paired up with a partner and asked to, using 5 given phrases, write a story outline (not detailed, just general) in half an hour. Surprisingly, it WAS do-able. This got me excited; it means I can write a general revised story outline, un-detailed, for "Maugre," and then a detailed version.

Also for that class, I got to write an essay on two excellent books, "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card (see my link to his website, to the left) and "A Wind in the Door" by Madeleine L'Engle. "Ender's Game" is my fave sci-fi book, and "A Wind in the Door" is one of the first recommendations of my dad's that I read long ago that we talked about together.

Other than all of that, I miss old friends and I kinda miss home. Not my town specifically, but just...lounging, having free time, at home. I miss that.

But, ah, let's not have this be a sad post. On brighter terms, I get to sleep in tomorrow and hear the beautiful rain...

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze

2009-09-14T22:41:00.000-07:00

I would like to tip my hat in honor of the late, great actor, Patrick Swayze. I just read that he sadly lost the battle to pancreatic cancer, but all of his wins, all the ways he touched people with his fantastic acting in many movies, will be remembered.

May he rest in peace.

I myself have not watched many of his films, but as of this I plan to catch up on him. I will say that I loved his part in "The Outsiders," he was part of what made that novel come to life on-screen for me. I also am fond of his handsome charm in "Dirty Dancing." But what has most affected me is his film "Ghost," which was highly recommended by my father, and is an excellent film. Very moving. It's a special one.

I was very moved to read one of his comments he said about cancer; here is an excerpt from an article on his passing:

"He also appeared in the September 2008 live television event "Stand Up to Cancer," where he made this moving plea: "I keep dreaming of a future, a future with a long and healthy life, a life not lived in the shadow of cancer, but in the light. ... I dream that the word 'cure' will no longer be followed by the words 'is impossible.'"

His dream is mine.

Culture differences and blogs and Krishna

2009-08-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

I found this really great blog by an Indian girl who calls herself "rd."

I really like her blog. She talks about all sorts of things, from tornadoes, to visiting India and feeling not quite Indian or American, to Olympics, to movies. It's really entertaining.

But more importantly, since I was also brought up following Hindu religion (she also worships Sri Krishna), I can relate to some of her culture differences things. I may not be Indian, but some things in my household are Indian culture, and not American.

(You want examples? Erk...it's tough to explain. Some of the philosophy is different, ala nonviolence and vegetarianism, the religious activities and customs are obviously different. I go around eating Indian food and wearing saris sometimes...but also, mainly, I just think differently from my peers, sometimes).

Here is her blog:
link

Tomorrow (er, soon to be today), August 13th, is the holy day of Janmastami. This is the birthday of Lord Krishna. We fast until midnight, because Krishna was born in the middle of the night, and also for austerity. I want to try and think of Krishna a lot tomorrow. My plan is to help my mom prepare for the program at our house (which kindof serves as the local town temple). I really want to make a video of Krishna pictures with some nice bhajan in the background, and I might even make a quiz for the program.

At Rathayatra in Los Angeles recently (which I still haven't posted about...oops), I bought a new, one-volume Krishna Book so that I can have it with me at school. That way I can pluck it from my shelf and read it before bed.

...Speaking of which, I should be going to bed. I need to start getting up earlier so that I can go to my 9:30 Journalism class this semester! Arrggh!

Writing is still going well. =D I hope to get together with my critique group when the semester resumes (only a week and a half left?! Where did the time go??)

Okay. I'll stop.

Wait - one picture of Krishna!

This painting is (C) the BBT, by Dhrti dasi

Krishna deity in ISKCON Idaho temple, Sri Bankhe-Bihariji

EDIT: Wow, I forgot to mention! My birthday was on Sunday. =D I'm 21 now! It was a fun day; a couple old highschool friends of mine brought me out to town. We shopped, we ate, saw a movie, went swimming, and I FINALLY got to go bowling! And I didn't suck. Pictures soon!

Summer is going too quickly!

2009-07-24T15:00:00.000-07:00

An old picture of me, my dad, and my grandmother

I haven't really posted anything about me in a long time. Hmm...

Well. Things are a rollercoaster, but sometimes the rollercoaster does just breeze along slowly, thankfully. In late June, my father's mother passed away, and that was hard to take. She was one of the sweetest people I know, very wise and kind, and she was a big connection to my dad. I didn't share my dad a lot with people, but my grandmother, she lived with my dad for the last 7 1/2 years. She knew him. I talked to her about him, and she would understand. She even understood what the hikes my dad and I took were like, because she accompanied us on a couple. That is something I didn't share with a lot of people - what it was like to go on those special hikes.

I joined a local grief support group in town. Only been to one meeting so far, but...the people are nice. =)

Also, I got a car- my grandmother's car. It has a lot of memories in it, of driving around with her and my dad. I want to learn to drive it, but it's a stickshift, and I've only a month of summer left. I wish I could drive it in the Bay Area, but at the same time, Bay Area driving is not so great, and it's going to take me more than a month to learn to drive. So...it is tough to decide what to do with the car. For now, it just sits out by the curb.

Here's what it looks like:

(Except the one I have has no black stripe down the side)

Recently, I went swimming in Three Rivers next to a place that my dad and I went a couple times, called Buckeye Flats. My stepdad and I went swimming. At first when we started going down that old familiar road, I felt this sort of fear seize me up, and it was hard to be there. But the swimming was wonderful, a nice cool river against the blazing hot weather. (I should post pictures! Later).

My dad (our left) and his brother, Michael, in 1962! Aren't they adorable??

Also, I've been doing fun stuff. I've been shopping, I went to visit Keshava and we started watching the anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion" together. It's good. I discovered a really neat website gauravani, with a bunch of wonderful kirtans under "downloads" of various young people chanting Hare Krishna.

I will get to see my brothers in San Francisco this weekend, for the Rathayatra festival. I haven't seen them in a while and look forward to it. I'll take pictures and post them up later, hopefully.

Writing has been going well! Even though my critique group is on-break for summer, I'm still revising "Maugre" chapters. I just finished revising chapter 5. I really think I am improving upon them.

I never do the art I want to do! I recently got white paint, so I can paint more, but I haven't sat down and painted yet. Nor drawing. :/ Lazy thing, me. I've been watching cartoons sometimes - feels lazy, too. But it's fun! I actually like that show "Spongebob Squarepants," haha!

Jahnava and other friends continue to inspire and support me. When I visited her for fourth of July, she taught a sloka class (om ajnana verse) to the 10-year-olds, and did a really good job. We went on a really nice japa walk together, too.

Anyway, I've got to go pack. seeya!

Sand Paperweight

2009-07-15T22:24:00.000-07:00

Check this out! Fun stuff!:

SAND PAPERWEIGHT

(Google Image "sand paperweight" to see even more cool ideas!)

Boo! Boo!

2009-06-21T00:43:00.001-07:00

Boo! That's what I have to say about Father's Day. It makes me sad. I miss my dad. I know this is a selfish thing of me, to boo Father's Day, but just...that's how I feel right now, at 12:43 am, with a bad stomach ache and wishing I could talk to my dad and hear his laugh.

Boo on Father's Day.

My verse for the day is Bhagavad-Gita 14.4, where God says that He is the Father of All:

Chapter 14, Text 4

sarva-yonisu kaunteya
murtayah sambhavanti yah
tasam brahma mahad yonir
aham bija-pradah pita

Translation:

It should be understood that all species of life, O son of Kunti, are made possible by birth in this material nature, and that I am the seed-giving father.

Commentary by Srila Prabhupada:

In this verse it is clearly explained that the Supreme Personality of Godhead, Krishna, is the original father of all living entities. The living entities are combinations of the material nature and the spiritual nature. Such living entities are seen not only on this planet but on every planet, even on the highest, where Brahma is situated. Everywhere there are living entities; within the earth there are living entities, even within water and within fire. All these appearances are due to the mother, material nature, and Krishna’s seed-giving process. The purport is that the material world is impregnated with living entities, who come out in various forms at the time of creation according to their past deeds.

I hope I can keep this verse in my mind and heart as I go through the day.

I also hope to do some special things for my dad on Father's Day, even though he is passed away. I want to make the salad that he taught me, that he ate every day for lunch for years. Also, I hope to go somewhere in the country and pick some wildflowers, so that I can make a bouquet to put in a vase by his picture.

And I might, just might, go on a hike without him...in memory.

My dad taking a pic on a hike

My dad's certificate so he could use microscope equipment for his healing work

Neat little plant at his apartment

Festivals

2009-06-04T21:46:00.003-07:00

I don't even know where to start!...The festivals were wonderful. First, my mom and I attended the Prabhupada festival in LA, in celebration and memoriam of the founder of ISKCON, the International Society for Krishna Consciousness.

For some reason, this year was the best Prabhupada festival ever, for me. There was something extra special about it. There were the usual people, the beautiful gardens by the temple, nice Prabhupada stories and discussion, and wonderful yummy food.

I think the part that I really enjoyed, was sharing with my mother. She is a very dedicated disciple of Srila Prabhupada, and every year I see her at the Prabhupada festival really pouring her heart into everything. This year, I got to share some special experiences with her. We fanned the Prabhupada murti in the temple together, and we also went up to his quarters with a group of ladies and did some chanting. It was super special.

Also, I got to see my sister there. She isn't as connected in her Krsna Consciousness, but here she was, dancing to the music, and sitting with us, and it was just really something. Usually she just sits and watches, but this time she got up and danced with the rest of us! It was really neat.

At both festivals, I met and spoke to people who knew my father. There was one comment by one person that upset me - he didn't intend to - but, let us just say I had to take a "bathroom break" to gather my wits about me. Basically, he was in the group of people who believe that, had my father taken his particular natural healing product, my father would still be here. These types of comments upset me, because if I let them dwell in my head, I'd go crazy. So I try to look at it as, it was ordained by God.

I got to see my grandmother at the Houston festival, and she seems to be doing alright. I could tell she was sortof sad though...and her healthy is a bit ina rocky stage. I tried my best to be around with her at the festival and cheer her up and share things with her.

I also talked to some really great people who told me how much they appreciated my dad in various ways, asked me if I had dreamt of him yet (which I have, many times), and one guy told me, "Your dad always used to say, 'My daughter's part faerie and part angel!'" This comment is absolutely in the spirit of my dad. That is just the sort of thing he would say. I really liked hearing that my dad often said that about me. News to me! :) Nice news.

Houston festival was really amazing, too. The weather was super hot, and the transportation to and from the festival was kind of annoying (I'm used to Badger where I can just walk to the festival site easily). Other than that though...it was great! I got to see some old friends like Govinda, who is still traveling all around the world. I got to listen to some wonderful, inspiring, sweet classes, and watch some very nicely done, sweet drama plays.

On Wednesday, Srila Narayana Maharaja gave a class in Hindi. I don't know a word of Hindi, but for some reason, I was totally glued to his Hindi class. I took notes on the translation that the translator gave afterward, but even during the Hindi part itself, I was watching. I sat there, and I watched Srila Narayana Maharaja's graceful, beautiful hand gestures. I had never heard him speak Hindi before. Somehow when he speaks Hindi, I feel there is more energy to his speaking, and so much emotion. He spoke on Rama-lila, and then we watched the Rama-lila play. It coincided nicely.

On Thursday, the play was on Gopi-gita, the song that the cowherd maidens sing in separation from Sri Krishna. It was a sad play, but well done. Krishna and all the gopis looked so beautiful. My Bay Area friend, Gopika, played Krishna, and another Bay Area friend, Radhika, played Radhika. :)

I bought the Gopi-gita book, which has been a very sweet, deep read. I am not done with it yet. Now that I am back home for most of summer, I have started my summer class on mysticism and mythology. I am starting by reading parts of the epic Indian tale "Mahabharata."

Writing is going sluggishly, but it's okay. I went biking today. It was great to get some exercise!

Here are some pictures from the festivals:

Aren't these little cows adorable??

Lord Jagannath and Baladev with sister Subadhra

In Prabhupada's LA quarters

Houston: Srila Narayana Maharaja giving class

New friend, Kish's niece. Pretty cool kid

Gopika and Malini

Radha being awesome as usual at the book table

Kish and Govi

In this drama play, Lord Rama leaves the city of Ayodhya in exile. His brothers Bharata and Shatrughna go looking for him, to try and convince him to come home, knowing him as their worshipable Lord. Here, they find Lord Rama's footprints, and become overwhelmed with emotion. (Govinda and Tulasi-Manjari as Bharata and Shatrughna).

This is after the Gopi-gita drama play. All the players were so kind as to pose for us! Don't they all look so lovely? (Gopika as Krishna and Radhika as Radharani).

Summer, missions, and Adam Lambert

2009-05-20T23:18:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, I am not jumping for joy that it is summer. Instead I feel strangely...bored. I feel unsure of what to do with myself. I am struggling through revising "Maugre" chapter 4 right now, and since the story starts out relatively plot-less, I am grasping at straws! Argh! Perhaps I should write an outline...heh, I know that seems the obvious answer, but the thought scares me a little.

Onward to other topics: I have several missions this summer. Aside from a visit to my uncle in Alabama in August (it sounds like an exciting state! I can't wait to go!), I have an independent study at-home class I'm taking, a sort of mythology/literature thing. It's going to be fun.

Also, festivals are coming up! wheee! This weekend my mom and I are attending the Prabhupada Festival in LA, memorializing the great founder-acharya of ISKCON. The most wonderful stories are always told at this festival. Also, the temple and its area feel a bit like home to me, since I've visited it so many times over the years. It will be strange not having my dad show up, though...I'm hoping to see my grandmother there, and my sister.

Then, I fly on on a RED EYE craaaazy flight (leaves at 12:45 am and arrives at 4am!) to Houston, Texas, where the festival attending Srila Narayana Maharaja's classes will be held. I have never flown alone, so this is quite an adventure, but I'm sure it will be worth it for five days of sweetness, sweet devotee association and classes on Krishna, and drama plays! Oh how I love those drama plays.

My other mission is a little secret that I will reveal here: I am on this mission to help out a friend. He wouldn't like it that I want to help him out, but I do. He's the only other Hare Krishna kid in my tiny town, also moved down from the countryside. Basically, his parents are worried about him because he hermits in his room all the time and doesn't get out or socialize a whole lot. He's on the computer a lot, and he's behind in school - a bit of a troubled kid, really. He's 19, but he just doesn't like school, and his parents just...*sigh* They don't want to make him.

Irregardless of school, basically I want to hang out with him more over the summer. He's a fun, smart guy to hang out with. He's really good at all sorts of things - science, telling stories, a great sense of humor. He's shy and reserved when he doesn't know you, but I"ve known him for years - childhood friend.

For some reason, the other girls thought he was too weird or something, so I ended up being the only girl he really hangs out with. Funnily enough, this friend of mine is one of the only guys that I know who I feel is a close friend. The others don't know me as well, nor do I know them as well; there is less of a connection.

This friend though, I visited him the other day, and since we've grown out of pretend games and videogames, we just sat around and talked, for the most part. It was fun! He's very easy-going, really, when he's comfortable around you. A lot of people, I think, get scared off by an image they have of him as that quiet kid wearing black in the corner, or something. And he has had his wild times in the past, where he'd have a huge tantrum and looked like he was out for people, back in school. I think he's just insecure, and needs encouragement, so that he can feel confident in himself.

My mom suggested we go hiking. I like the outdoors, as does he, so I think this is a pretty good idea. The problem is that I have to sort of weigh, if I am ready to go hiking in the local National Park (my dad and I hiked there a lot together. It might be too sad for me to hike again, right now). We'll find something to do, maybe watch movies, go on walks, I dunno...if only this town had more to do!

Anyway, this post is getting far too long.

Last comment: I think Adam Lambert, even though he didn't win American Idol, will be huge. He just has "it," the star something, the charisma, the voice, the on-stage performance abilities. Check it out:

And a couple of my faves of the songs he did:

Singing "Mad World":
link

Singing "Tracks of My Tears"
link

"We don't know anything."

2009-05-13T13:39:00.001-07:00

Augh! Studying for finals is driving me craaazzy! I can't wait to go home on Friday!

To try and get some peace of mind while taking a study break, I am reading spiritual knowledge, nectar, hari-katha from the mouth of a pure devotee of Krishna:

----------------------------------

Class by:

Tridandisvami Sri Srimad Bhaktivedanta Narayana Gosvami Maharaja
BHAKTI DOES NOT DEPEND ON ONE’S ASRAMA
June 5, 1998: Los Angeles, California

Image of speaker: Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Gosvami Maharaja

"Once I was with my Gurudeva, Srila Bhakti Prajnana Kesava Gosvami Maharaja, in Assam – we were about forty brahmacaris (celibate students) and about ten sannyasis (those in the renounced order of life). One day, one of the brahmacaris was giving a class and saying that all householders are rotten. He told his audience, ”They have nothing to do with bhakti. We strong brahmacaris and sannyasis can preach and do bhakti, but not these rotten householders.”

At that time, none of the sannyasis or Srila Gurudeva were there in class. Afterwards we heard about what that brahmacari had been saying, and we told this to Srila Gurudeva. He at once became furious and told that brahmacari, ”You are rotten. You have no connection with bhakti. You don’t know any siddhanta (philosophical conclusions). Most of our acaryas (previous spiritual preceptors), and even Krsna, have been in married life. Krsna was married in Dvaraka. Even Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu, Srinivasa Acarya, and all of the gopis were married. Are they rotten? The Pandavas were householders. Are they rotten? Oh, I think that you are especially rotten, and are not even a Vaisnava. I don`t think you have taken initiation at all.”

After this incident, everybody became very careful in this regard.

Advancement in devotion to Krsna depends only on devotion itself (bhakti).

yei bhaje sei bodo abhakta hina chara
krsna-bhajane nahi jati-kuladi-vicara

[”Anyone who takes to devotional service is exalted, whereas a non-devotee is always condemned and abominable. In the discharge of devotional service to the Lord, there is no consideration of the status of one`s family lineage or of socio-cultural background.” (Caitanya-caritamrta, Antya 4.67)]

kiba vipra, kiba nyasi, sudra kene noy
sei krsna-tattva vetta, sei guru hoy

[”Whether one is a brahmana, a sannyasi, a sudra or whatever, if he is fully conversant with the science of Krsna, he is eligible to become a guru.” [Caitanya-caritamrta, Madhya 8.128)]

One may be a grhastha, a brahmacari, a sannyasi, or anyone else, but if he does not know the established philosophical truths – the philosophy of the love and affection that was taught by Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu – he is not a pure Vaisnava.

From Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu up to Srila Bhaktivedanta Svami Maharaja and ourselves – we take this view. We do not think, ”All the grhasthas have nothing to do with bhakti and they are rotten.”

I prefer the grhastha devotees to the sannyasis when they are more polite than the sannyasis. If the sannyasis have a very big false ego, thinking, ”I am learned; I am a sannyasi, ” they will surely fall down. I see this as the very reason why all the sannyasis with false egos have fallen down. If they have not left the teachings of Srila Bhaktivedanta Svami Maharaja and his parampara – the Vaisnava line coming from Srila Rupa Gosvami – and if they have not offended any Vaisnava, they may return to the path of bhakti. On the other hand, those who are offending the Vaisnavas, their guru, and the devotees, they are not able to return.

If any sannyasi, brahmacari, or a grhastha is offending a Vaisnava, it is very harmful for him. I think that mostly the grhasthas do not make offences. They are fearful of committing offences. Nowadays sannyasis and brahmacaris are not at all afraid of committing offences; in fact they are desperate to commit offences. They are committing offences; one, after another, after another. They have no fear, but the grhasthas are somewhat polite, thinking, ”We don`t know anything. We don`t have so much association with high-class Vaisnavas because we are in family life.” In this way, they have respect for pure Vaisnavas.

Householders are more tolerant and advanced in devotion to Krsna than many modern sannyasis. They cannot fall down – they cannot give up renounced order because they have not accepted it in the first place. – whereas the sannyasis are giving up their renunciation. Sannyasis tell others to be careful with women, and that others should give up their wives and children. After saying all this, they themselves associate with women in the mood of sensual enjoyment and become lusty. Sometimes, as a reference, a teacher can say, ”Don`t be lusty, don`t be angry, don`t criticise.” But if he criticises others, gradually all the bad qualities he is describing will come upon his head and in his heart.

Always glorify Krsna, Gurudeva, the Vaisnavas, and the pastimes of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu and especially Srila Nityananda Prabhu. Nityananda Prabhu also became a householder after some time. What harm was there? No harm. He became a householder because His wives, Varuni and Revati, were feeling separation from Him [Nityananda prabhu is none other than Balarama, whose wives are Varuni and Revati]. So He married , and there was no harm in that. His marriage was transcendental.

What we think in this world is different from the thinking of the transcendental world; in that world there is no lust. The gopis were beloveds of Sri Krsna. They had no children, and no lust and other bad qualities as we have.

So we should be careful. Do not criticize. Even if someone is doing something to be criticized, still do not criticize."

"I weave for you/the marvellous web..."*

2009-04-29T21:31:00.000-07:00

* From song "All Neon Like" CD: Homogenic Artist: Bjork

So, stuff has happened since my last post. I'll gloss over it:

* I had a really bad cold over the weekend, including a fever and a sore throat. I went to the doctor, and was happy to discover it wasn't strep throat. Now, I am finally recovering. I took Advil, and did lots of tea/juice/soup. It was a terrible cold!

* I have an almost/not quite urinary tract infection. :( This happened because I stupidly waited too long to go to the bathroom instead of excusing myself from a phonecall on Sunday. I got antibiotics, and am currently getting better. No more pain! It was terribly on Monday, felt like super bad cramps.

* I've been compiling all of my poetry for the semester into a giant document for the last poetry class on Tuesday. I've written so much. I feel quite proud of it, some if it is good, and some of it doesn't make sense. It's interesting to look back on what I've written.

* The revision of "Maugre" since the completion of its rough draft a few weeks back, is going well. It's exciting! I feel I am improving on the story a lot, while still keeping the characters intact.

Right now, I'm listening to Bjork. I haven't listened to her in years! My...ex...got me into her, and when I was 14 I listened to a few CDs of hers a LOT. I kept them, and now I'm re-listening (her lyrics are like poetry, and don't make sense, but I love them. She has a good voice, very "weird" music). I feel like I'm stepping back in time a bit, listening to her. It's weird!

I've been going to counseling for my grief, and contacted a couple students on campus who are interested in forming a grief support group together. I just have to get up and DO stuff - register for the festival in Houston, meet with the support group, etc. Instead, I feel lazy, like all I want to do is lie around, write, and read (I'm gobbling up Anne Rice's vampire chronicles, out of order. I'm currently on book 7, "Blood and Gold," not having reading the ones about Lestat except as he appears in book 1. But you see, Armand is in book 1, so I went to his book, 6, and am now on 7. It's all connected sensibly enough in my head).

...it's been months since my dad passed away, but it still feels very recent in my mind. When I cry, I really do, and sometimes I feel very sad. Losing someone...is so huge. It's not like anything I've ever experienced, and it is something I'll say that certainly changes you. I'm not sure yet, what is going to happen to me...I shall have more time to think during summer.

"Schnappi"

2009-04-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

There isn't a lot going on with me. I am waiting for the school semester to end (three weeks left!) and it is a reaaally hot spring. Ugh. I've been writing a lot of poetry, and been revising "Maugre" (since the first draft is now finished! woo!).

Just wanted to post a cute little video, the theme song to a German kid's show about a crocodile:

Isn't it cute?? =D

oooh! happy!

2009-04-02T00:49:00.001-07:00

Grand writing news at my other blog! Check it out here: link

Ooold pics

2009-03-25T13:26:00.001-07:00

I've been combing through old photo albums...and decided, well, why not a picture post?

Little me loving cookies! haha.

My sister's twelfth birthday

I must say, I think I was a very photogenic child. Probably because people were always taking pictures of me. By the time I was born, my family had more money and a camera. So, there are a lot of photos of me when I was little!

This is a great pic of me and my dad (with my sister being a grump on the side, lol). This was taken at the Oakland Zoo (ironically now about 10 minutes away from my college). Maybe she's trying to get him to hold me better...still think it's a cute photo.

I like this picture a lot, for several reasons. First of all, it's probably my first Christmas, and it looks like it was fun. Secondly, it's a nice group photo. But what I really like about this is how, it seems to me, my dad and I are looking at each other, and he has a very loving, happy expression on his face.

...spring break! :)

2009-03-23T23:05:00.000-07:00

News with me?

Well, I discovered today that the cute guy at the local healthfood store in town (who is, conveniently, a student that I went to highschool with and thus I can talk to him and chitchat without as much shyness) has a kid. So, assumedly, he has a wife and is married (He said "we"). This was a shocker, in my brain, to find out this guy I secretly eye when getting a healthy sandwich, is a family man, a husband.

But of course, I didn't make it awkward. I was all "congrats!" and asking him where he lived, and when he talked about gardening I was all, "Oh, gardening is great. It's very peaceful," and he said he hoped he could make it more than a hobby.

It's not like I was going to do anything about or with this cute guy...but it made me a little "oh, darn" in my head, when he said "the baby." I wish I could post a picture of him for you. His name is Michael, and he has blue eyes. I was surprised when I saw him first at the healthfood store. I knew I recognized him, but it took me a while to figure out who he was, because he grew his hair out (and I tell you, he pulls off the long hair look well).

...Anyway, so that was interesting.

Also, I went to Borders bookstore today. :D So much new manga! No updates on new series (although of course I could always read more Red River, since I'm volumes behind).

But I decided to check out the new ones, and started reading this interesting one called "After School Nightmare," about a boy who is required to go an after-school class in which he entires into a nightmare-game wherein he battles other students for a Key to Graduation. His problem? The upper half of his body is male, the lower half female, thus an obvious identity crisis. Talk about gender-bending stories!

Current book I'm reading: Anne Rice's "Vampire Armand," book 6 in the Vampire Chronicles (I'm reading out of order; which is fine. Armand was in book 1, too). It's very good! I might buy it. Fanart here I'm about halfway through right now. Oh, beautiful seventeen-year-old redheaded vampires...=3

Current writing project: I'm on the last chapter of "Maugre"! Scary. Difficult. I am sad, to be finishing it...but also happy.

That's all, folks.

Yay! and Ugh!

2009-03-18T00:29:00.000-07:00

Bouncing on my toes waiting for Spring Break! I am leaving to go home for a week on Friday! woooooooooooooo!!!

Writing. Oh, I want to write! So tiiired of school.

I am getting fun letters from faraway friends who are traveling - in India, in Malaysia, the Phillipines, etc. It's great!

...Although admittedly, sometimes it makes me depressed, that here I am stuck at school, not meeting new people, not meeting guys, not traveling, not really having a wonderful, full, experience. Argh. Frustrating.

Arghh

2009-03-12T01:17:00.000-07:00

Madly studying for TWO midterm tests tomorrow. That is me, right now.

Current video fave:

Old Bangla movie "Radha-Krishna" song (only slightly related to my midterms! One for English Lit., one for Music of India)

:((((

One day at a time

2009-03-01T00:07:00.000-08:00

Today was a difficult, sad sort of day. I was sortof a lump today.

I took it easy, watched "Little Miss Sunshine (overrated, not really a comedy, but good in other ways, good acting, good morals), read some "Frankenstein" for class, etc.

What made my day all better, really, was finding some pictures of my dad. I was looking through a flashdrive of pictures he had on his computer. most of them are a series of very beautiful nature pictures. But there are a few of him, too. I was so happily surprised to find them!

My favorite of these new ones of my dad I found is this one:

It made my day all better. :) Just in time for bed!

Plus, I got some nice emails from people, and did some Krsna Conscious reading.

whine

2009-02-22T14:21:00.000-08:00

Today sucks. I'm finally doing laundry, and I just found out one of my prettiest bras got all ruined in the wash. It was a turquoise one with flowers. :(

It is rainy, but since it was sunny yesterday, the building people decided, "Let's turn off all the heaters!" So I'm sitting in my room, freezing.

The rain is really pouring down. It's kind of depressing, and yet I kind of like it. At the same time, it really makes me want to go to sleep.

I have a psychology test tomorrow. I've been studying, but not enough. I don't want to study! The rain makes me so sleepy. And I hate the chapter on biology, it's boring and depressing. Makes me think of when my dad was ill.

There was a funny book I picked up at the library at work the other day, called "Why Girls Are Weird," about a girl who blogs, gets really famous, and pretends on her blog that she is still with her ex boyfriend. And she meets people from online, and has a lot of fans. It's a very fun book. I'd recommend it.

There is a part in the book though, where her ill dad passes away. Oh, boy. That made me sad, since it's so close to me, that situation. Her dad didn't have cancer, but still. Very similar. ANd she didn't get to say an official goodbye, either. She does find someone to open up to about her grief, though.

There's one particular paragraph that I can really relate to:

Quote:
"I missed my father. I missed him so much. It had been months since he'd died, but nobody had wanted to talk about it. I hadn't spoken to anyone about how sad it was to not have a father anymore. It was more than just a part of me was missing. It felt like my future had been erased. Any thoughts I might have had, and notions I'd entertained about what would happen to me were now negated. It couldn't happen that way anymore because my father wasn't going to be around to see it happen."

- from "Why Girls are Weird" by Pamela Ribon

That is totally how I feel.

Anyway, I am going to try to force myself to study and listen to some warming Indian music....

*sigh* I wish tomorrow wasn't Monday.

Louis

2009-02-13T17:11:00.000-08:00

I am currently re-reading Anne Rice's "Interview with the Vampire," the first in her Vampire Chronicles.

It is lovely to read it again; it's become a favorite of mine. I really like the way she writes, very descriptive, and to date her vampires are my favorites, I think. Not that I've read a lot of vampire fiction, but nevertheless, Lestat and Louis, two of her vampires, are very...they have a special something.

So, I was on DeviantArt, and found this beautiful depiction of Louis, which I would like to share:

"My Vampire Eyes" by quickreaver

Isn't he stunning?? My brain went "ahh!" in joy over seeing it, freaking out because it's so good. (Also, I think he's very sexy, hehe). I think this person really captured him. It makes me want to pick up my drawing pencil again...;_; Wish I could do stuff like this!

I really love it. Still say Louis reminds me of Sebastian, a bit. The hair...

Finding blogs

2009-02-08T01:49:00.001-08:00

I just wanted to share an interesting blog I just found:

Bookgirl.net

Apparently, the girl who runs it does book-making. I have taken a book and gender class, and I had a lot of fun making books (it's like arts and crafts), though I was required to relate all my book topics' to being female, women, women's rights, some such thing.

Next year, I want to take Intro. to Book Arts, teaching basics on book-making. I am very into the idea of making pretty little books (or big), and perhaps putting my poetry in them or something. Or even a novel!

So, this blog really caught my eye. On the righthand column, you'll notice she sells some blank books she's made as journals. They're very cool!

So, check it out.

2009-02-05T01:21:00.000-08:00

Never Alone
by Rodney Belcher

I feel you in the morning
When at first I awake
Your thought is with me
With each decision I make

You'd been around forever
Since the first breath I took
Now I have to go on alone
But for love, I need not look

Cause by what you bestowed
In our short time together
Will last in my heart
Forever and ever

Although you've left
And now walk above
I'm never alone
I'm wrapped in your love

Enjoy now your long awaited reward
Feel peace that your love continues on
What was taught to me, will be taught to mine
Cause you live on in me even after you've gone

This is not how I feel. Not yet. I'm still too sad. But this poem embodies what I would like to hopefully become, and do, with my grief. I feel like this, that I want to teach what my dad taught, have him helping me to decide things...loving him, and being loved, and giving back to the world with that love.

Crummy

2009-02-03T19:39:00.000-08:00

Today is really crappy.

Tuesdays are my crazy days, because I have 3 classes. 3! From 11 am to 5 pm, I am booked. I have British Literature, then lunch, then Indian music, then poetry (and poetry class is from 2:30 - 5!).

Not only that, but yesterday night I couldn't sleep. It wasn't even my usual reason for not sleeping, such as being thoughtful or sad. I was really tired and totally wanted to sleep, but for some reason I couldn't. There were no distracting thoughts, it's like my body wouldn't let me sleep. I kept tossing and turning and waking up and going back to sleep. The only good thing was having an interesting dream towards the morning.

Now, I have free time but homework to do, and I'm really tired. I want to watch a movie later, but not sure if I should, because that would mean staying up a bit later.

Gah, I really wish I could just leave school right now and go home or go somewhere interesting. It's only been 2 weeks into school, and I'm feeling fed up with everything.

My counselor appointments have been going well. This week, my plan I am implementing is to talk to my school friends, about my grief and about how I need their support, so I can feel less lonely at school.

Also on the good side, Saturday is a religious holiday (Nityananda's Appearance Day!), and the weekend is nearly here...arrggh...oh, and poetry class, and Indian music class, are quite fun. I've been writing a poem a day, which is required, and is a lot. But a few have come to me quite nicely. Writing poetry is helping me to express myself.

I still miss my dad a lot, of course I do. This won't be getting better, it's something I work through, not get over. It's very difficult. But I"m hoping to communicate with people more, and reminisce, so I feel less lonely. Because really, I want to share things about my dad, stories and lessons and stuff.

Tomorrow, I'm meeting with my critique group. These are the first people besides Tsuu that I'm letting read "Maugre"! O_O (They've only read chapter 1 so far). It'll be interesting...I'm still working on it, too. Going to write on it now, actually, so I can leave my own life behind and be someone else for a while...

Sidenote: I'm realizing some of the mood and etc. I try to have in "Maugre" is perhaps subconsciously inspired by my long-ago read of Anne Rice's "Interview with the Vampire." I'm rereading it, and realizing Louis reminds me a bit of Sebastian, sometimes mentally, and physically a bit, too.

Here's an interesting Louis concept (which, eerily, reminds me of Sebastian):

wish I knew the artist

Another Article on my dad

2009-01-14T23:45:00.000-08:00

Friends and passers-by,

I would like to post for my reference, another sweet article on my father, written by Mahalakshmi dasi, who so kindly cared for my father during his illness. She continues to be a gentle and loving caretaker for my grandmother.

link

This article is also very sweetly written, and includes some detail on my father's vision for healing centers all over the world. I'm really just posting it here for me, though. It does have a different way with words that is very touching.

I would like to warn that it does include some personal detail of his physical debilitation which may alarm some readers. But it is written very tenderly and sweetly, and the way she describes him, and then me in this one paragraph makes me miss him very much...

She says:

"His daughter, Chaitanya dasi, (now attending her third year of college in Oakland) is one of the sweetest, gentlest examples of a sincere Vaisnavi that I have ever known… living testament that her mother Sujana dasi, and her father, Patatriraja Prabhu, are loving, caring conscious examples of parents who were able to transmit a wholesome, balanced understanding to their child that devotional service can continue, as well as one’s endeavors to pursue an academic career."

Anyway, just posting that, so that it's on my blog.

This is one of my favorite pictures of my dad.

Please see my previous post. :)

Red River ramble and activities

2009-01-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

Lately, aside from working on myself, ordering textbooks, and writing, I have been reading. I've been reading grief books, and I went to Borders two days in a row.

Perhaps I am one of those grieving people who needs distractions...I don't know. But somehow, I find I am still functioning okay, sometimes. I visited a couple of the Badger girls in Fresno, and we went ice skating, and just the other day I hung out with my friend Keshava.

At Borders, I renewed my reading of the manga series "Red River." I can't say enough how much it's captivated me. The plot is fast and suspenseful, and there is also romance in it. I really like the art, it's very flowing and graceful. It makes me stop and stare. And the combination of all these make an excellent story, and I have couple of the Red River series on my shelf, because I like it that much (I only buy books if I really like them and think I'll reread them).

Also, I'm still working on my photo album of my dad. :) Tomorrow, I have to start packing, because I go back to the Bay Area on Sunday. Schools starts next Wednesday. !

It's scary to think of going back to school, because I am different now. My heart is sad, and I am so, so tired. I have a cold, which is making matters more unhappy.

For some reason, getting in touch with things related to my dad makes me feel better, though it also makes me sad. For example, I'm starting to research crystals and gemstones; he got me into the hobby of collecting both. My grandmother, his mother, passed on to me some crystals. They're really pretty. :D

Anyway, I wanted to post some pictures of the art from "Red River," so here:

In case Tsuu or anyone wants to read the series, I'll say a bit. It's about a Japanese schoolgirl named Yuri. She gets magically transported from Japan into Ancient Mesopotamia area. There she is pursued by an evil queen who wants to sacrifice her, so that the queen can curse the king's sons by other wives, and have her own son ascend the throne.

Meanwhile, one of the princes, Prince Kail, promises to protect Yuri from the Queen while trying to help her get home to Japan (via a magic spell and only accessible once a year due to certain astrological signs)...and the two find themselves falling in love...

Continued attempts on her life by the evil Queen, plus Prince Kail, plus all sorts of ancient history politics, makes the whole thing very exciting! It's a very depthful, thought-out manga.

The art style seems sort of old fashioned when compared to some, but I really like it. It's neat and graceful. Prince Kail is very pretty, a total bishounen, and a very likeable character. Yuri is really brave and awesome, but also has her girly moments, so she's not some "too awesome to be true" Mary-Sue.

I really recommend the series, especially if you like Inu-Yasha! Unlike Inu-Yasha, it's a bit more explicit (some violent battle scenes and nude scenes), but it's not that bad. Also unlike Inu-Yasha, it's less repetitive, and the plotline moves along in such a way that, honestly, I find it more engaging to read than Inu-Yasha. ^^

2009-01-02T22:46:00.000-08:00

One of the lovely Hare Krishna devotees who make up the wonderful community of Badger has written (with my help and approval, and some words from others) a beautiful, very nice article in memoriam of my dad:

link

Please, please read it. There is some jargon in there, but it still says a lot of who my father was and how he affected others' lives and the blessings he received and gave others.

2009-01-01T22:29:00.001-08:00

There is so much that has happened, so much my mind has gone through since my last post, that I don't even know where to start.

It is very hard to deal with everything. I go from varying points of feeling numb, to feeling very tired, to feeling very sad. It sort of goes round and round through those three, with some varying points of "okay" and distractions.

I am trying my best to use my winter break to do some healing and some work on myself, to "figure myself out." Because you see, I fear that when I go back to school, I'll have to be a bit stronger, do a bit of the "I'm okay" facade when really I'm still devastated that my dad passed away.

It takes a lot of time. Somehow, probably because my dad was a healer, I am having the sense to search for answers and help myself, instead of being a ball of misery all the time. I have signed up to a grief forum online, I am writing in my journal a lot, and my sister bought me two very helpful books. So, I am doing "grief work." It's very hard work! But I have to do it. Otherwise...it would just be, despair and sadness all the time.

So, I am writing a little here and there. I had a good Christmas, a distracting fun one which included cookies and a puzzle. New Year's was sort of tired and sad. I spend a few days after Christmas with my grandmother - my dad's mother - in LA. It was good to visit. She cheers me up, and I feel we can take shelter in each other. And the lady taking care of my grandmother - the one who took care of my dad - is very motherly and kind.

I am realizing more and more how mortal we are, and how God is in control. This idea of God in control helped me to release some feelings of guilt I had. Furthermore, the woman who helped my dad, Diana, I talked to her, and she said a lot of comforting things. So hopefully I can shake off the guilty and self-blame feelings.

I've been listening to a lot of music. I find it helps. It helps me to be sad sometimes, when I just need to be sad. It may be hard to understand, just as it is for me to explain, but...sometimes, I just have to sit and be sad. If I don't, it feels like some bomb inside me about to explode. I am going to start doing particular grief work exercises like the books are recommending.

I watched a movie today called "Ghost," a sad love-story, one of those classic must-sees. It was good! Funny and suspenseful and sad, all in one.

I am going to try to keep track of my dreams that I have at night. Dreams can delve into the psyche a lot. The other day, I had a dream about traveling...some sort of time travel, or something mystical.

Anyway, got to go to bed.

A good moment

2008-12-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

I am having a good moment here. Wow. *lets it settle in*

Maybe it's because I had a huge, big big cry. I was doing homework one second, and the next, I realized that the Enya song I was listening to (I'd listened to it before over the past few days, but somehow it hit me today) reminded me of my dad.

So I had to take a homework break and cry a bunch, and write my feelings in my journal, and listen to the song a bajillion times.

And then I remembered my mom's idea, to plant a tree in our back yard in honor of him. I really like that idea. I spent time researching, trying to find the name of a particular tree I know he liked. After some time, I found it. It's, I believe, quaking aspen, a thin, round-leafed tall tree which waves in the wind.

I feel a little more peaceful, to have found that tree, and cried a bunch.

It feels good to find one tiny thing that makes me happy. :)

Quaking Aspen

Sadness, and this, and that...

2008-12-10T23:35:00.000-08:00

There is nothing new to say. Right now, I am feeling especially sad. I want to go home. I can't wait till the school semester is over. I feel like lying in bed with my bear, and just...watching sweet old movies, and writing, and sleeping, and having my mom sit by me and comfort me. That's what I want to do...for a while.

But I have to wait until Tuesday, which is when I'm being picked up to go home. Only a few more days! But when you're sad and lonely, that feels like forever.

My progress on final papers is actually going quite well. I'm eating healthy, attempting to catch up on sleep. Almost picked up an Anne Rice vampire book today, but realized, have to wait till finals are done.

Only my teddy bear and I really see how sad I am...:(

I did go talk to a counselor on Tuesday, but...it was more just me, talking about what happened, and some issues I"m feeling with awkwardness around people, and trying to figure out myself.

For some reason, the sadness come around bedtime.

One happy thought: I finished my 40page story for fiction class. I think it came out okay. Slow story, but...it's sortof my grief story, and the character loses her mother, and grieves, but in the end she heals and it ends happily.

And every night before bed, in the last half hour after working on tests, I write a bit of "Maugre." Routine is good.

Tonight is tough, though. I might just go to bed. Night night.

P.S. I want to get Enya's new CD, "And Winter Came" for Christmas. :)

Please check my updated Inksplurge blog.

Little things

2008-12-01T00:14:00.000-08:00

This is hard. This is so hard. I miss him so much.

Little things...help...and hurt. Like...putting a photo album together...helps. Thinking about how I'll never get to hike with him again, or hear his voice say my name...hurts a lot.

I'm so sad. I...I can't even really talk to anybody about it yet. People ask me, "how are you?" and I don't know how to answer anymore. Sometimes I'm okay, and sometimes, I feel heartbroken.

Now I'm back at school for a couple weeks till semester ends...it feels weird. I feel a litle scared, to be having all these responsibilities again, and without my mom to hug me and just sit with me...I mean, I've got my friends here but, well...I don't know what to say, and I don't think they know what to say, either.

Anyway, I won't work myself too hard; my mom reminded me, not to get stressed overly on catching up with school, and just take deep breaths and do my best. So, I'm gonna do that.

I'm going to try to get to bed earlier, and get up earlier, and do some chanting, and go to temple more; stuff like that will help me feel stronger, and be a reminder to take shelter of Krishna.

Nothing much been happening with me, just...sadness, and as of yesterday, catching up on schoolwork. Jahnava and I went to see the Twilight movie today...I went in with very low, iffy expectations, so actually, I liked it! It wasn't horrible. There were some things I thought could have been better, of course, but it was still good. Funny. I actually thought Pattinson did okay as Edward; Stewart as Bella didn't smile enough. Anyway, it was actually good though, I laughed and was "ooh" at some parts...they did a good job of sticking to the book, too. :)

"You Raise Me Up" - song

2008-11-24T23:28:00.000-08:00

I plan to post about the beautiful, amazing memorial for my father that my mother and I attended on Saturday, later, maybe tomorrow (tomorrow we are holding one locally at my mom's house so the Badger people and etc. can attend).

For now though, I wanted to post the lyrics and video of this amazing, sad, inspirational religious song, "You Raise Me Up."

---------------
"You Raise Me Up"

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

There is no life - no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

You raise me up... To more than I can be.

Josh Groban singing it very sweetly and powerfully:

To me, this song makes me think of both God, and of my dad. God raises us up - he gives us strength, empowers up. He allows us to do things we previously thought impossible.

At the same time, this makes me think of my dad, because parents raise their children, and though I lived in my mother's house all my life, my dad still raised me. He still taught me and made me the person I am today.

Also, "when I am on your shoulders" makes me think of how I would sit on his shoulders as a little girl...and "more than I can be" makes me think of myself; he was so proud of me, that the way he thought of me was perhaps the best version of me, maybe more than I really am or can be. But of course, I will try to live my best and become the best person I can be, for my dad. *teary smiley*

I don't feel strong right now, not at all...but I'll try.

My dad

2008-11-18T22:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I have already spoken of this so much today, that I am a bit washed out to blog post about it.

This morning I got a call from the family friend who has been taking care of my father. Suddenly and unexpectedly yesterday, the cancer spread to his lungs. He passed away yesterday at about 10 pm, with friends chanting the holy name of Krishna - the maha mantra - and he also chanting. So it was an auspicious passing.

I am still shocked about it all and still processing it. I have been sending emails to friends and family, and right now I am at home. My mother as soon as she heard, her and my stepdad jumped into the car and drove up to get me. So I only had about an hour of being alone before they were there.

I'm actually doing okay, I mean...I think it's because, it hasn't settled in yet. I have been crying, but I haven't bawled my eyes out yet, haha. The doctors said he had a year left, so I thought I had at least a few more months, and also my dad was soo good-spirited and hopeful for his recovery, that his hope trickled into me and got me hopeful.

A healer named Diane was there to hold my father's hand and talk to him, and she is the one who helped him to be unafraid, to be accepting, and peaceful in his last couple of hours. I am so grateful to her, and I will meet her on Saturday.

There is going to be a cremation - that is the Hare Krishna custom - and on Saturday, in LA at 4, there will be a memorial. My mom and I are driving down there for it on Friday. Also my Uncle Michael will be there tomorrow to take care of the cremation and make sure everything is in order for the memorial. Not only that, but the LA temple is having an official memorial for my dad, too, which I find very sweet.

I have had so many calls from friends of me and my dad...it is very sweet. I am still registering that it has happened, I still can't believe that he is gone. It's heartbreaking to think about things that I will never be able to do with him again, or hear his voice...

I didn't really get to say goodbye, because I just found out this morning. My phone was off yesterday when someone called me to tell me his condition was worse, so part of me is bitter that I did not get that call, so that I could talk to my dad one last time. But he recorded a message for me, and I will get that when I go down to LA on Friday, and I did get to speak with him and tell him I love him (little did I know, for the last time) on Sunday evening.

My mother has been a huge comfort. I am trying to think of this spiritually, that now my dad is with Krishna, with God, and that Krishna wanted my dad with him, so he took him back.

I just wanted to post about this because, well, obviously it is a big change in my life. Huge. I will be thinking about it, and writing about it, for some time. My mother was saying, perhaps it will fuel me in my poetry class next semester, to get out my feelings. Also, the story I am writing for fiction class, about a girl who sees visioins of death - in the story, her mom passes away, and previously I had the question of, should her mother pass, because I thought it would make me depressed about my father. But now, the story can be a sort of therapy for me.

I should go to bed now...goodnight.

Elisabeth musical - Takarazuka and Austrian

2008-11-12T00:45:00.000-08:00

I love this musical so much, and I want to share it. :D

So I am posting more videos from it!

First, I wanted to post a very fun, intense song from the Austrian version of the musical Elisabeth (see previous post). In this song, "The final dance," Elisabeth has just married Franz Joseph. Death, who has fallen in love with her, shows up to tell her that he may have lost, but "I know how to win," and taunts her with the fact that he loves her, too, and that she is attracted to him.

I also wanted to share some videos from the Japanese version, by the all-female troup Takarazuka. There are various casts with different names - moon troupe, flower troupe, etc.

In the Japanese performances of Elisabeth, Death has very long, silvery hair here and a more feminine look (perhaps though just because that is the slender physique of these female performers). Death still looks more masculine than Elisabeth, with broader shoulders and the VOICE! What really amazes me is that the women playing masculine roles in Takarazuka productions can sing very, very low! They are pretty convincing as men's voices, sometimes, I think.

I like the lighting better, it's easier to see, haha. And the fancy costumes are fun!

This next song, Elisabeth has just had an argument with her husband Franz Joseph, and Death takes advantage of her misery to try and convince her to be with him (he tries to make her not want to live, but what he realls wants is her love, so when she rejects him here, he is sad).

Flower troupe's rendition:

Sooo different, isn't it?

Here's another one (this one is moon troupe!). It's called "The Shadows Grow Longer"; the two mains here are Death and Rudolf, the now-grown up son of Queen Elisabeth of Austria, whom Death befriended when Rudolf was a child (perhaps to get to Elisabeth; Note, only Elisabeth and Rudolf can see Death). Here, Death tries to make Rudolf succumb to him and accept the Kiss of Death. Rudolf gets away.

The woman playing Death here has an AMAZING low pitch. O_O!

Can you believe a woman can sing that low?! (heheh, the woman playing Rudolf is cross-eyed! It's kind of cute).

Sorry to be such a nerd! haha...I'm just...getting obsessed...^^

P.S. Please check out my other posts down below, and if you get the chance, my writing blog, Inksplurge. :D I've been updating!

"Elisabeth" musical - song

2008-11-09T23:44:00.001-08:00

I have fallen madly in love with this musical, especially this song! It's a twist on history - about the life of the real Austrian Queen Elisabeth, except in the musical, Death falls in love with her!! oooh.

THE VIDEO HAS SUBTITLES, even though it's in German. Don't be afraid!

Check it out!:

Me and my friend Emily like the looks of Death. :3 He be handsome!

Also, there is a Japanese version of this musical done by an all-womens group called Takarazuka. I think I shall post some vids of their another time; their style is much more sparkly and loud, but it's also fun. Also, the women playing men's parts are able to sing in astoundingly low pitches!

crossing fingers

2008-11-03T23:59:00.000-08:00

Listening to: "Trouble" by Coldplay

Ahhh, things are still crazy but for some reason I'm not freaking out. I am, a little, but not as much as I think I should be. I have an essay due in a week for Archaeology which I have just begun writing. What with all the stress, I didn't have time and energy to write it early (I've had about three weeks to write it!).

I think I might have to ask my professor for an extension. I feel bad about it, but considering the circumstances, I hope he'll be understanding about it. *hopes*

I know tomorrow is election day, and I hope Obama wins, but the most important part about tomorrow for me is - it's my dad's birthday! He's turning 54. :D (Earlier in a post, I said something about me, his brother, and my grandmother being his only family. Well, I meant as in, who could help him at that time). His cousin is going to buy him lunch, apparently, which is nice.

Also, he said he is feeling less pain in his hands, which is a relief to me. I still don't know what is going to happen to him, but right now, the natural healing things he has been taking and doing seem to be working.

The visit that I had a couple weeks ago was wonderful. Like I said, I feel stronger and braver having visited my dad. The nurse was really nice, and this family friend lady who has been helping out a lot, I can't even put into words how grateful I am to her.

Oh, I wanted to post a picture of my dad and I. I look absolutely horrible in it, because the pose is awkward, and the angle. I was like, "Um, how should I stand..." because of the bed railings. So, I look awful, but it's nice to have a picture of me and my dad as-of the diagnosis:

Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick update post before bed. I've written my intro to my essay, and it only has to be 8-12 pages long. Now my worry is that I won't be able to edit it enough (I hope I get an extension, so that it will be due next Friday instead of next Tuesday. That's what I'm going to ask for).

I hit upon this realization earlier that instead of trying to make my writing class assignment a 40-page novel (so I won't have another WIP on hand), I can write 40 pages of a novel, and maybe it could be my THESIS piece for when I take a thesis workshop next fall?! Oooh. It occured to me over dinner while talking to my friend Connie. She's another one gives very good advice. Very sensible.

p.s. OMG! The Twilight movie is going to suck so bad! 8 minutes of it got leaked onto YouTube after the Rome Film Festival, and I watched it. The acting is SO BAD! It's so cheesy, it's not even funny! Connie and I decided, either the scriptwriter did an awful job, or the actors just aren't doing a great job. Kristen Stewart doesn't feel like Bella at ALL!! AUGH!

Pumpkins

2008-10-26T23:19:00.000-07:00

My friend Alex and I are going to carve pumpkins tomorrow for Halloween; we are researching neat designs.

Look at these hilarious pumpkins!:
Pumpkins on most recent blog post

Blog love

2008-10-22T23:10:00.000-07:00

I love finding random blogs to read and look at. It's so interesting to meet new people! Why are people somehow sometimes more interesting to meet online than off? I guess because when you look at a person you don't know that they ahve a blog, and blogs sometimes present important parts of people's lives (or, what they are thinking about a lot - their brains).

It's hard to pick people's brains when you first meet them in person.

Darn.

Check out the blogs on my "following" list! They're goooood. :D

Halloween tag

2008-10-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

Well, I got tagged! :) Elysabeth tagged me with this Halloween quizzy thing, so, since I've decided to procrastinate instead of doing homework (my mom and are in a hotel, and later on we're going to go visit my dad, which we also did yesterday), I'm doing this.

1) What were your favorite games to play when you were a kid? Do you remember the rules? Share them here (bored kids grounded from video games will thank you):

Card Games: There were so many games I can't remember them all. Also, even though I'm 20 now, I STILL play games. When I go visit the kids up in Badger (where there is no shops, nothing else to BUT play games and watch movies and talk), we play games. My friend Jahnava taught me lots of card games. I know how to play War, 21, Rummy, Solitaire, Bullshit (I suck at this one because I suck at lying), Poker (booring), and many more. Jahnava and I play Rummy a lot, and Slapjack.

I don't want to explain all the rules. Too impatient.

Slapjack card game rules: Slapjack, you want to try to get the Jack. You pick up seven cards each (many can play), and put the rest down facedown on the floor. Then you pick up each card and lay it face up. The goal is to get all the jacks. When you see a Jack, you try to slap it to get it before anyone else. So, lots of smashed hands and yelling all around. :D It's great!

Rummy, I won't even explain, because that card game is old. So, look it up!

Board gamesI also like playing board games. Cranium, Clue (Clue rocks!), Sorry, Parcheesi...there are so many good ones.

Clue board game:In Clue, you try to solve a murder mystery by getting clues and making hypotheses as to where, when, and how the murder happened. All the characters have funny names like Colonel Mustard and Miss Scarlet. It's great fun! They even made a movie based on this game.

PIT (a must play!): I also recommend, for a crazy energetic party or some such, a card game called Pit. You can't use regular cards for it though, you have to buy it. In this game, you get 7 cards. There are several categories of food each on different cards. Your goal is to get all 9 of any one type of food. In order to try and get all 9, you have to trade cards with other people. So in this game the players all sit in a circle and trade cards. It's very loud and crazy and hilarious, because everyone all at once is yelling "trade one!" or "trade two!" or "corn, anyone got corn?!" It's a riot. XD When you DO get all 9 of something, you have to hit the dinger (and before anyone else who may have 9 of something gets to it!)

For the girls, I recommend jumprope. Get a long, long rope, and at least two other kids. Then, play jump rope! You can jump many different ways. See how long you can last. It's fun and good exercise. The best way to make it fun is, Google "jump rope songs" online, and make the two friends holding teh two end of the rope SING as you jump! Take turns jumping and singing/spinning the rope. The best is when you get a huge group of people!

2) Did you go trick-or-treating when you were a kid? What was your favorite costume ever?

Yes. We would drive the whole hour down to town usually, because living up in the country mountains, people lived far and few between and it just wasn't very good trick-or-treating. I dressed up as witch several times in a row, with boots and a dress and a hat. The best was when I was like 10, and my sister painted my face in this really cool design (she very good at art).

3) How old is "too old" to go trick-or-treating?

Ha! NEVER! When I was 17 I knocked at a door once, and this girl from my highschool, a very mean and (pardon my language) bitchy girl named Megan (who picked on me a bit with mean words in 8th grade) said, "You're too OLD for trick or treating!" And my reponse was, "That's stupid, you're never too old." She gave me candy anyway. =p

4) Do you remember any silly or gross songs or rhymes from your childhood (like, "Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts")? Share them with us!

"Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts,
Mutilated Monkey Meat,
Chopped up birdy feet,
And I forgot my spoon!"

I have a vague memory of the Bumblebee song Elysabeth mentioned...and a vague memory of a very long jump-rope song, and there was line saying, "She fell on her ass...k me no question, I'll tell you no lies." haha, the good old day sof jump rope! I miss them!

5) What is your favorite Halloween memory?

I have many. One was when I went to my first Halloween party thing in highschool and felt very grown up (but proceeded to be bored, even though there was a cute boy there. He currently grew his hair out and works at the local vegetarian restaurant! haha. Still cute, too).

Another was when my Hare Krishna friend Jahnava and I knocked at this very Christian lady's door, and in order to get candy we had to answer a question about Jesus. Having not read the Bible much, this was very intimidating for us, as we read Hindu scripture, and just don't know a lot of Bible stories. But luckily we were asked something easy, like, "where was Jesus born?" and got candy in the end!

6) What goodies do you hope to find in your treat bag this Halloween?

Um, hopefully my friend Emily will give us some candy...I would be a bit too nervous to trick-or-treat around Oakland at night where my campus is. The neighborhood around campus is a bit of "drive by shooting, shoot 'em up" neighborhood. But my friend Emily does "backwards trick or treating" and goes to people's doors in our dorm building and GIVES them candy! It's very kind and cute. She's dressing up as Eternity Sailor Moon this year (with the things and stuff).

I think Alex and I are going to a Haunted House and a party with a friend. I hope we get candy there.

Um, who should I tag? Honestly, I have to go and I can't think of anyone. Maybe I'll tag people later.

Tsuu, I'm tagging you! (http://bloomibi.blogspot.com)

Mysterious mind

2008-10-16T00:25:00.000-07:00

My mind is doing this strange thing where, instead of taking shelter of people during my hard times, I am becoming a clam. I am hiding it all away. What is wrong with me? Maybe it's some sort of defense mechanism.

I have begun to write in a diary/journal again to put my deepest feelings to paper. Part of me is reluctant to share some of my deep feelings here on a public web blog. Maybe I shouldn't. But people can't steal my thoughts, it's not like with writing.

In an attempt to figure out my strange bottle-up-feelings mechanism...and as practice, since I'll have to start telling friends and stuff, I'm going to try to be open here in this post. I'm going to try to be truthful. Instead of hiding the true seriousness of my dad's illness, I'm just going to say it.

Already, the word has so much power. It scares me. I don't want it to have all this power. I have this mix of the "it won't happen to me and my family" situation alongside a huge reluctancy to tell people straight out. But my mom has advised me to get over the reluctancy, partly because, I have to tell teachers about it. I have to tell them, "My grades might get worse. My writing might get considerably sloppier. You see, I have a family emergency. My dad has recently been diagnosed with cancer."

There. I wrote it. I wrote it an quotation marks so it would feel a bit more distant. I'm still in this weird state of denial, and because my dad is a natural healer, I still have this hope of "he'll be okay!" that is clashing with my automatic fear of that word saying, "cancer = unstoppable."

But there have been miracles, people who survived, and/or people who lived longer than they were diagnosed. I don't know what kind of cancer it is, liver or bone. He's been diagnosed with only a year left, but of course, I'm still hoping against everything that it will be longer.

This weekend is the first weekend I will see him since everything happened. I am both scared and anxious, but also glad to see him, to give him encouragement, to tell him I love him.

I feel weird posting something so personal...and I mean, this isn't for you, it isn't for comments or sympathy or anything...it's just because, my blog has become this record of my life, and it is good to look back upon my past me, my past voice, and see how it was. And even though my "bottle it up" urge is trying to hide the truth from everybody, I have to stop that. I can't hide this huge situation going on in my life, even though it's extremely scary and sad.

Also, I think next week I will start seeing a counselor here on-campus, to talk to. That will help me. I'm already scared and sad, being confused about my strange "hide away" reactions to it all doesn't help.

The old days...

My mother advised me (and she gives excellent advice) to really take shelter of God and spirituality. To, when I'm feeling really sad, pray, and ask for shelter. So, I'm going to try and do that.

This is how I feel.

2008-10-07T23:58:00.000-07:00

You'd think that things couldn't get worse than my last post, but somehow they have. I have all the information now and in truth I feel pretty reassured about my father's hospitalization. He's back at home now; the hospital help is coming to him, so basically he's getting what he would get if he went to the rehabilitation center, but at home.

At first I was really antsy and was telling him he should go to rehab, and I was scared that if he went home, the hospital would abandon him. But they didn't! My mother and my Uncle Michael are two of the most encouraging, rational, sweet people in the world, so they have helped reassure me.

A lot of my father's friends in LA have been calling me and telling me I should visit him right away. But one thing only my mother and I seem to understand is - that wouldn't suit my dad's personality. My dad would be embarassed for me to see him like this.

He always obliges me with an agenda and stuff when I visit him, so for me to see him helpless would make him uncomfotable. Plus, I couldn't very well impose upon two people who can't even help themselves right now (my grandmother in her 80s and my healing dad). I wish his friends would understand this. I am not being insensitive. I understand that they are freaking out, and I myself AM feeling sentimental about the matter, just mostly in my own private time.

Apart from being guilt-tripped by these people, I have a lot of important school projects going on. It is really stressful!

I feel silly about it now...but earlier, I got a B on my first paper for an English class, and for some reason it only added to how miserable I was. I was trying so hard to focus on school, my "duty",' like my mother said. I guess the idea of being mediocre at that, too, and not just emotionally messed up, disturbed me.

I had this sort of mental break down time...I had to stop three times on the way back to my room, to just sit and cry. I was Ms. Waterworks today. I just felt so horrible. School is ripping the remaining energy and sanity that I have left after what happened to my dad. I feel like I'm breaking at the seams...

It felt good to lie in the grass and look up at the sky and take a few deep breaths. And I did call up my stepdad and rant and blah for a while so I'd feel better. His advice was for me to give it my best shot, and understand that my best shot right now might not be as good as my normal best shot, but that's okay.

So, I do feel better now. I am still upset at myself though for getting a B on that paper. It was my own fault for not giving myself enough time. Plus, with worrying about my dad last week, it was so hard to concentrate on school.

Happily I will be visiting home for the weekend and taking a break. And when my dad is more settled in, I will visit him. I already have plans to make him a Get Well/good-feeling collage. :)

This isn't a "sympathy" post. It's just me recording what happened, and how I felt. Because I don't keep a diary much anymore, and I want to be able to look back on this.

I would have to say that today was one of the craziest days of my life, emotionally, only equal in capacity to the day, when I was twelve, when I found out that I would be moving away from all my friends in Badger. That hurt, too.

Anyway, enough melodramatism from me. I really need to sleep.

I even have a sad (but pretty) background on my desktop, for "this is how I feel":

Bollywood actress Kajol in the film "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai"

Please pray

2008-10-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

I'm waiting for a phone call and I feel like if I don't distract myself and pen down my feelings then I'll just go crazy.

For the last week I have been doing homework and not getting enough sleep. Sunday I felt ill because of how sleep-deprived I was. I've only been staying up till like 1 am, but in a few rows of days, and then this week I had to get up at like 9 every day to go to work and classes. Plus I just can't seem to get to bed early.

I am hoping to remedy that and catch up sleep this weekend.

But nevermind my health. My dad is in the hospital.

I'm so worried about him. It happened last Thursday and I found about it on Friday. Something happened to my dad's neck, and he said he was going in for surgery to get a burr removed. Then he told me that the surgery went well (it happened Monday) and I was relieved.

But this family friend (the one who called and told me my dad is in the hospital) just called me.

Apparently, out of worry for me, my dad has been giving me a bunch of bullshit about what's really going on. All this crazy stuff is happening to him, like, constipation for days and spinal problems? trouble walking? etc.

I'm really freaked out and crying my eyes out here. I don't know what's going to happen to my dad. The only family he has in the world is me, his brother in Alabama, and his mother. My grandmother is in her 80s and forgets things a lot. The hospital refuses to give info to non-family members.

So, I'm hoping that Uncle Michael can get information and tell me.

--- Update

I just got off the phone with Uncle Michael, and I think it's going to be okay. Extra symptoms like constipation are apparently a result of pain medication, so that is going to be solved, and then all that has to be done is my dad has to do rehabilitation so that his legs can recover.

I think and hope and pray that the injury done to his neck will still leave him the use of his legs. He fractured a bone and they replaced the bone with surgery with plastic (plastic, I know, it sounds crazy, but this must be medical stuff). It sounds like the fracture wasn't bad enough to leave him unable to walk.

Anyway, so...I feel a lot better now. I'm still worried, but not freaked out as much. Uncle Michael was positive and reassuring, and promises he will call me and give me more information as he finds out more. And he will keep me up to date.

He also told me that when I talk to my dad next, tell my dad to just "level with me." Because I'm a bit mad that my dad made it sound like all was fine and dandy. All is obviously NOT fine and dandy!

*sigh*

I am so tired. I need to go to bed.

Please send your prayers out for my dad's recovery.

Becca's blog

2008-09-15T22:46:00.000-07:00

I would like to link to a friend's blog. She has just joined Blogger. Her name is Rebecca, and she is currently in France for nine months as part of an exchange program! It's very exciting. :) I miss her already!

She's a great girl with a very cheery temperament and lovely red hair. As an art major she's naturally a very creative person, and she is also a very open-minded and brave person, willing to try next places and activities, and always polite. She's very friendly, one of the nicest people I've known since freshman year at college.

I just wanted to point you towards her blog, since although she's only put it up to keep friends up-to-date, I'm sure some of you might be curious as to what living in France is like!

So here's the link: Nine Months in Paris

Becca

BBM video

2008-09-15T18:31:00.001-07:00

I'd just like to share this video I made. It's a music video for the film "Brokeback Mountain" with music by one of my newly-discovered loves, Roxette.

This was a lot of fun; a lot of headache sometimes, too, but mostly because of having to get timing just right, and because stupid Windows Movie Maker kept being dysfunctional. -__-

Note: The video *does* contain spoilers (in case you were planning on watching it soon and hate spoilers).

So glad it's done! :) Comments welcome.

A hall-wanderer's thoughts

2008-09-12T19:07:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking about how, in my childhood (which feels odd to say, since I'm still new to being an adult, only 20 years old), I went outside a lot more.

I remember climbing trees, and biking. I remember playing with the cat, and being in the sandbox. I would bring all my dolls and stuffed animals outside and play with them there, a lot. From ages 4-7 or so, I lived in a mobile home in a Trailer Park. It was small, so maybe that why I was drawn to outside. Or maybe outside was just so much more interesting?

Then in the house up in the mountains, my dad made me a treehouse. :D Plus, we had this HUGE backyard, and there was a hill down to the house next door. Lots of sprawling, wild country property on this set of hills. Lots to explore. I brought my chalk out to the next-door abandoned chamber of commerce and drew stuff on the walls. I had a swing set, too.

Anyway, the point of all this, is...the computer transformed my life. In some ways, good. With the computer, I contact people from far away, loved and dear ones. I use it to write my stories on, to research. But I can be a very obsessive person, and the computer is so accessible that it feeds these obsessions. And I believe that these obsessions distract from a lot more organic, original things I could be doing in life.

I pretend that I only got computer-obsessed when I moved away from the Badger country living...but that's a lie. I remember spending hours looking up stuff on "Ranma 1/2" after watching the anime. That's how I got into fanfiction and even wrote some of my own (*shudder* it was terrible!).

I just can't help wonder...if I had not been given my own personal computer, what kind of kid would I be like? Would I be like the other kids? They live simple lives. They spend more time taking care of their houses, and are totally content to play cards or watch movies. They don't know the concept of sitting in front of a computer screen and staring for hours.

Not to say that they have better things to do...although, in some ways, I think they do. Just living with less computer-ness in their life has made them more self-sustaining, I think.

When I have kids, I want them to know the glory and fun of being in nature. I want to live in a house where I am located in the country, so that, instead of the computer being an escape from dull surroundings, the computer can be simply a necessity for writing, contacting people, and research. I don't want it to become something that, as an adult, I am so engaged and absorbed in.

Of course, now, I have to use the computer for schoolwork, writing, and emailing. But nature is around me. My campus is beautiful. I think I need to value it more, give it more time, because I know that after I graduate, I won't be able to move straight into some old country house. I'll be stuck in Visalia at my mom's house, in a small, boring city in a residential area with no parks nearby.

So I should take advantage of Mills' beauty before it's gone.

Of course, I could always move into the downstairs at my brothers' house in the Bay Area, and visit nature places. But I don't like the idea of living in a big city.

Anyway, let's just say...I'm pondering my future and my values more, lately. Maybe it's part of growing up, maybe I'm just restless. I shouldn't reprimand myself for the past, my computer-fixation thing. I can't change it. It's too late. The computer has become a part of my life.

But I don't want so much of my life to depend on the computer. Or well - let's rephrase that. I want to be able to enjoy life more without needing a computer. I want to be in my own mind, and out in nature, and going places, and talking to people.

Of course, going places takes money and I don't have a lot. But I have resolved to visit some places in Oakland that I haven't seen, instead of always going to Berkeley and San Francisco. I want to see some new places. I want to go to Alcatraz Island and see the old prison, and go to parks, and just...all kinds of stuff.

It's all about getting up out of the chair, taking a deep determined breath of courage, and just going out and DOING it!!

So, I'm going to go watch a movie now. :) That's something, right? Although it is screen-related...it's spending time with friends. :3

Boo hoo

2008-09-09T00:13:00.000-07:00

I should be in bed, but...I'm feeling sad. And I just don't feel like going to bed or attempting to fall asleep when I'm sad.

I'd just end up lying there...as it is, I try to give myself an hour to fall asleep. That's right, a whole hour. I read in a health article once that people should fall asleep in 15 minutes...but I rarely do.

Sad entries...are rare. I mean, I'd usually write this in a diary. But I left mine at home, because I barely write in it anymore. I guess I write my feelings down in my spiritual journal, or express them through a story, or just keep them in my head.

I'm not sure why I'm feeling unhappy. I think it's some sort of...unfulfillment. Disappointment in myself. Something lacking. I know that I would feel better if I could chant my rounds in the morning, or read something spiritual every day, even if it's just for ten minutes.

But I am busy. That is the thing. I have not been as on-top of my schoolwork as I usually am. Instead of doing homework right when it gets assigned, I end up doing it just a couple days before it's due, or the night before it's due. That is terrible and not like me.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Maybe it's a lack of enthuasiasm. Over the summer and stuff I looked so forward to these 4 classes of mine. But now they're here, and I'm just not feeling it. Survey of Brit. Lit. I expected to be boring and just-okay, but the others...I hoped more for the others.

The Archaeology class requires a lot of boring reading, and some of the "wackier" subjects I enjoy, such as Atlantis and Stonehenge, are apparently more discussed in a different class taught by Professor Allen. I considered quitting the class, but my mom said I was overthinking it and stressing. So I decided to stick with it. But the readings are so boring! He did talk of Stonehenge though, last week. I loved that. It was the most exciting thing in the whole two weeks of school I've had so far.

18th c. English novel is interesting. The Professor is funny, and the readings are good stories, and the mindset of the 1700s was so different. But stilll...eehhh. Nothing "wow."

You would think I would love writing...but this teacher is...well, I got over her being a hippie, kind of. I'm trying to like her. But in addition to the hippie mood, she has us read our assignments aloud. Not only is that scary, but different. I much prefer having other students' pieces given to me to read over a week, so that I can write my thoughts down on them and then hand them back. I prefer that to hearing the student read their work aloud. Also, I am nervous about me reading my own work aloud.

There is something sheltered and personal about reading someone's work. I feel like I could more openly and honestly critique their piece by writing down a letter-of-response on their printed piece, than saying aloud right after they've read it, "here's what I thought." And the same for receiving feedback! I would rather they had time to think over and digest it than be forced to bark out their thoughts on it right after I just (tremblingly, quietly, probably stupidly-sounding) read it to them.

So, that quite bothers me, these new methods of feedback/critique in writing class.

Besides school, I just haven't had time to do stuff that would give me relief from school stress. Writing time? I haven't made any. Morning time for chanting and reading spiritual stuff? No, I'm too tired each morning (from procrastinating, homework, or just blah the night before) to get up early enough to do all that in addition to getting ready for class/work.

Oh. Work. Yeah! There's that, too! I wanted 10 hours and only got 8 per week, but already the work-and-school combo is getting to me. I feel like I have little time to myself during the day. I've done the work-and-school routine before, so what is going on? I don't understand myself.

Maybe I just overthink everything and it's an unending cycle of being absorbed and suffocated by my own worrisome nature and stupidity. I don't know.

Ah, 12:25 am. I should get to bed. God, this didn't really help. Nice to have it down to reread though.

Help/suggestions welcome. ;_;

P.S. On a side note, I'm having a fun time (err, distracting) making a music video for the film Brokeback Mountain, to the song "Anyone" by Roxette.

Goals and motivation/keeping up

2008-09-08T13:51:00.001-07:00

I've noticed lately in my life - or even, in the past - a pattern. It is a pattern of catching up, or, trying for consistency and progress. This pattern applies to a lot of things in my life.

I am trying to keep up with a lot of things.

For instance, I am trying to keep up with my schoolwork; to make sure everything gets done, and gets done well, on time, and satisfactorily. This is difficult, because it requires prioritizing. On Saturday I spent a lot of time online and fiddling with making videos, when I could have been doing homework. This would have helped me get to bed at a decent time, which I failed to do.

So, there is school. Also, there is keeping up with PEOPLE - the pattern is, a pattern of trying to keep up with things, to keep certain elements of my life close to me. Friends. I've done this well with Syama, who I've been consistently in contact with for the past 8-10 years since she moved to Brazil. I've also been good at this with my Badger friends, even after moving an hour down the mountain from them.

Some things I wish I could remember how to do, or be. I regret not keeping up with them. Piano! If I hadn't quit at age 11 or so as an impatient child who wanted to play "Beethoven" instead of "The Entertainer," well...where could I be now? I could be playing Mozart and Beethoven with confidence, instead of playing Beethoven's "Fur Elise" with mild progress over and over again.

I took a Karate class a couple years ago, and I loved it. But now, I barely remember the stuff that I learned that got me to yellow belt. I took two semesters of Capoeira this past school year, in an attempt to keep up with something I realized is a lot of fun. It is a lot of fun, even if I will never be the most fast or nimble or balanced person in the class. I know I won't ever be the worst student, and that is reassuring.

But now I've run out of PE credits - I'm not allowed to take anymore PE classes. And with evening classes two nights a week, it is so easy to say, "I don't have time to attend the Capoeira classes (the professor said I could come and play the game even not being officially signed up for it anymore) or Capoeira club."

But I WANT TO, I really do. I don't want to forget my xingha and hasteira and etc. How to keep up with though, since it is so easy to let it drop off to the side? And especially how to keep up with it, since I don't own any CDs of appropriate Capoeira music, nor do I know ANYONE else in my town at home who practices Capoeira.

It is hard to keep up with stuff when resources are slim. Piano though, I have been determined to try and re-teach myself for years. It's a slow battle. I've learned some parts of "Fur Elise" better and some movie themes, but that's about it. I still need to learn better how to read notes (again). With so many pianos at Mills though (almost 1 in every building), this is an easier goal to tackle.

Another thing I'm determined to keep close and happening is my participation in spiritual life. I may not be living with an encouraging mother and in a temple environment when away from home, but there are household programs nearby and the Berkeley Temple.

Yesterday, for the most auspicious day of Radhastami, I went to a household program. I had trouble getting there - missed the campus van and had to take the public bus, which took half an hour instead of 15 minutes - but it was SO worth the effort! I talked to so many nice people, the dancing and singing was so much fun, and the reading and people's speeches were very inspiring.

There are people around me who encourage me to keep up with my Krsna Consciousness. This is a key element, I believe, to motivating oneself in any direction. Association! It is SO vital. Having fellow young girls who are also juggling college and spiritual life really keeps me enthused and energetic in my own juggling attempts. We have even gone so far as to create a girls' group that meets on the weekends, and I have begun the process of learning how to distribute books. It's all very sweet.

As far as writing goes, I have writing classes, Elysabeth, Syama, and others who want to read my writing, and want me to keep going even when the going gets tough. My friend Alex recently told me that I really have a good ear for piano and should keep up with it, so that was nice to hear. Especially since, as far as piano (and capoeira) goes, I really don't have others to help motivate me.

If I really, really just pushed myself though, I know I could go to capoeira club on Fridays. That way, I wouldn't forget the moves of the dance, or the music. That way, I'd be with others who practice it.

Also, I could have my mother send up my piano booklets from home, and sit down at least once a week and, using my old beginning piano books, teach myself to read notes again. I could teach myself chords again, and everything, and then when efficient in that I could play the songs I know with KNOWLEDGE of what I am looking at, reading knowledge, instead of just play-by-sound knowledge.

That's what I should do. I really, really should do both those things so I can keep up with piano and capoeira. All the other things are easier to keep up with because I have association and encouragement from others in addition to my own determination.

This isn't just about making goals happen, either. It's about setting goals, too. I have to set goals in hopes of finishing writing certain stories someday, and I have to set them for school (I want A's) and other things. But making them happen, keeping motivated, is what helps those goals come true.

2008-09-06T01:01:00.000-07:00

Not much to say right now. Homework, oh homework, why must you plague me??

I bought the DVD of "Sweeney Todd" and watched it again. LOVE it! Also, the special features are awesome!

Other than homework, I've been working in the on-campus library, getting all trained up. I've done some shopping about with friends, and plan to go to the temple this Sunday for Radhastami. Yay, it'll be fun to dress up for it! And just the whole thing, the feast, singing, etc...

Still making costume plans for the upcoming anime convention towards the end of September (the one I've gone to for the past 2 years)...I have an easier costume this year, though still roleplaying Ritsuka from LOVELESS. :D I can't wait to be there. Although I wish I didn't have to spend $ on textbooks so I could save more for the con...oh well. Don't be greedy.

Also, unless my family miraculously goes to India for Kartik for a couple weeks (we hope to so much, but my stepdad is still recovering from his sciatica back injury)...I'm going to dress up as Krishna for Halloween. :D Sooo exciting! I've already bought the blue skinpaint and some jewelry for it, and a shirt. All things I'll wear again non-costume (besides the blue skin paint).

If you haven't yet, do check out my writing blog. *poketh*

Me and an adorable kitten I played with/huggled in Badger. He liked me. :) I'm holding him weirdly, haha.

Back to School

2008-08-24T19:33:00.000-07:00

I realized that I never did talk about that book release party I went to for Stephenie Meyer's "Breaking Dawn." Currently in my head, I've been reading a lot of reviews on it (I finished the book on about August 5th). At first I felt negative about it, and agreed with some negative comments on it. I was freaked out by some unexpected twists that came in the book.

But then I started appreciating the twists. Fans' suggested alternatives are predictable, boring, and dumb. My feelings about the book have changed from negative-ish to positive. I just read an excellent, happy, pleased review today and decided, "no more reading reviews. I don't want my mind changed by reviews. I like this book!"

It's not my fave though. The first book, Twilight, will always be my favorite in that saga. The movie comes out in December!!! I think I'm more excited about it, honestly, than the 6th Harry Potter movie (that film franchise is disappointing. But I do own some of the DVDs...)

Anyway, I'm back at school! My mom and I drove up to the Bay Area yesterday and spent the day moving me in. My room is fantastic. :D I love it. My friends are arriving tomorrow, so that will be neat.

I absolutely cannot wait to eat a yummy cafeteria salad. MMMmm, they're SO GOOD.

So the next couple of days will be me looking for an on-campus job, making sure all my textbooks come in the mail, and taking care of other business. But I hope to hang out with people some, too, of course.

In fact, right now I'm heading out to go see where some friends' downstairs rooms are...and then I'm going to print out resume copies.

Anyway, I'd say more, like how it feels to be back...now that I'm all moved in I feel good, no more apprehensive. I look forward to my classes, being with friends, yaddah yaddah.

That's it for now.

Back home for not-very-long...

2008-08-19T00:08:00.000-07:00

The New Blogger Dashboard is...annoying. *sigh* Why must things change? Urgh. Oh well.

So, there is a ton to talk about. I went to LA on August 3rd, and after the Rathayatra festival I spent a week visiting my dad, my friend Alex, and my sister. It was a lot of fun. I went a lot of places, including Hollywood Boulevard, Beverly Hills, a lot of neat hikes, a motivational program session, a new age party, and the beach. My birthday was fun, because I want to the Santa Monica Pier and went on rides. woot!

What's more, when I got home on Wednesday I got a call from Jahnava. She started school today, Monday. So I decided I had to visit Badger right away, before their school started. Even though I was tired after travel and willing to be at home, I decided to sacrifice myself a bit to visit Govi and Jahny up in Badger.

It was worth it! We hung out, played games, read, and I attended the program on Saturday for Lord Balarama's Appearance Day. It was a very nice program. I love the kirtans there. And Jahnava lead Gaura-Arati singing in the evening. She sings so beautifully.

Anyway, now I am home for a week, and this weekend - back to school! Crapola. Classes start next Wednesday.

I am relaxing. My body has become so tired (because of traveling, I guess) that I have found myself going to bed earlier, and taking daytime naps. I NEVER take naps, so this is a rare thing. I got up this morning feeling refreshed, but then at about 2:30 pm I stood up to get a drink and realized, hey, I'm tired. So I took a nap for like anhour and a half.

I still need to work on getting to bed earlier, especially seeing as school starts again soon.

writing is going okay. I've mostly been writing little pointless drabbles. Today I set out to write some of "Maugre" but my nap interrupted it...tomorrow I hope for no interruptions.

A couple of weeks ago I decided, "I will finish Maugre before the summer is done, before school starts." But what with staying in LA a couple days longer than I originally intended, and then going up to Badger, I know now that I don't enough time (and currently, since the tiredness, not enough energy, either) to finish it.

Nevertheless, I'm going to try to get as close to done as I can be before Saturday the 23rd when my mom and I drive up to Bay Area to my college.

Wish me luck! And please, check out my Insplurge blog and comment. :)

Celebrating 300 posts!

2008-08-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

THREE HUNDRED POSTS?!?!?!

...

This is post #300!!! wooowww!! I've gone through years with this blog. It has changed, and you can see by reading it how I have changed. I find it interesting to be able to look back in time, re-experience things and learn things about myself, see how I once was. That is one gift of technology, being able to look back at time so closely.

In an hour I am going to the Borders book party for Stephenie Meyer's final installment in the Twilight saga, "Breaking Dawn." I'm really excited!

Tomorrow my mom and I leave to LA, and I will be attending the LA Rathayatra festival.

This is my stepsister, Priya, at last year's LA Rathayatra festival. She did a really beautiful dance performance. And doesn't she look pretty in purple? :)

I will stay in Los Angeles for a week or so, visiting my dad, Jahnava, and Alex. :D

This summer has been really awesome so far and I'm sure this week will be extra fun. I am bringing my camera so when I come back I can share pictures. :D The shirt for the Twilight party ended up pretty good, I'm about to go put it on. :D

Writing is going good, I have been working on "Maugre" and it is moving along smoothly. I am happy with it; I have finally been able to reach a plotty point in "Maugre" where things are going in particular directions and it feels more organized. Also, I feel like the story finally has a sort of plot, haha, and action. It isn't all just characters and feelings anymore.

For excerpts from "Maugre" and my other main story, and just to check it out, go to www.goodreads.com and look me up! Username is Chai. I'd like to thank Elysabeth for cluing me in to that fun website.

Anyway, I just wanted to post this little ramble before I go to LA, because there I will be mostly computer-less (hey, I don't mind; I'll be out shopping and going places!)

Me recently, on a lovely hike

I turn 20 on the 9th. !!! O_O I can't believe it! I feel so old, and it's weird to think of not being a teen. I don't really like to be growing up, either. *Peter Pan mindset* Change tends to freak me out. I've gotten better over the years at handling it, but it still scares me. So turning 20 feels like a big step!

And so the road goes onwards...

T-shirt making adventures

2008-07-30T21:36:00.000-07:00

So, the last book of Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight Saga" series, Breaking Dawn, comes out at midnight on August 1st. I plan to be at Borders for the book-release party. It's similar to the big, exciting book release parties they used to have for the Harry Potter books, except...Twilight. So, there will probably be people dressed up as vampires, and werewolves, instead of wizards and witches. :D

I've never been to a Twilight party, and I'm very excited.

I have money, and was planning to buy this shirt: link But my indecisiveness caused me trouble, and now the shirt would not arrive in time for Friday.

I have also considered going to a screen-printing place here my town and getting it done. However, I decided, in the end, that $20 was too much for a shirt, because...I am a cheapo? lol. I dunno, who knows, maybe I will go and get it done tomorrow. But $15 for the shirt, plus whatever price for make-it-fast, I dunno...

So, I decided to try and make the shirt myself! I found this link: Print your own T-shirts and am now following its' instructions.

Not only am I putting Edward's quote on the front, but I want to put the Twilight logo and 1st-book cover on the back:

(this is the image with inverted colors; nix the "shocktillyourdrop.com" stuff.
Haha wait, what am I thinking?! The image is to the left, on my blog! I forgot, lol).

Yes, I'm such a freak, making all this effort for a shirt for a book party. And I know it doesn't really matter if I wear a shirt or not, because I'm still a fan and the party will be fun. But I figure, what the heck, why not? I want to really show how I'm a fan. And it'll be nice to have a shirt on Twilight, I think. Then people can ask me about the book and I can recommend it to them.

The quote I am using is kind of cheesy, or will appear so to people who haven't read the book. But in context, it is adorable. It's a note Edward leaves for Bella, saying, "Look after my heart - I've left it with you." Awww! :D

Anyway, so...this is tough, shirt-making. Wish me luck!

Video and stuff

2008-07-26T21:39:00.001-07:00

I would like to share a video I just made today, a fanvideo for the manga/anime series "Loveless" by Yun Kouga.

I had a lot of fun making it! :D It was a lot of work, especially since my movie-making program decided to freeze a couple times and I had to re-do stuff.

But like I say in the video description, I've been wanting to make a video dedicated to these two for a long time. :)

I should thank Tsuu for clueing me in to the music of Japanese artist Utada Hikaru. I used a song of hers for this vid.

(I apologize if the subtitles are hard to read. I tried my best, testing various colors, to mkke it readable, but it was hard. One reason it took me so long to make this vid was 'cause I added subtitles in for viewers).

On a side note from that, I'm a little sad, because plants never survive under my care. A couple potted plants outside my window sill that my mom kindly bought for me about a month back, the beautiful yellow one died, and now I've only the (flower-less) purple ones, and finally the star-shaped plant gave one, itty bitty flower. ;_; I hope the flowers keep coming.

Meanwhile, the potted green one in my room is totally dying. The leaves are browning, and flat. It looks so sad! It makes me sad! The only plant I seem able to not kill is my spiraling bamboo plant.

I just have a tendency to forget all about watering the plants...;_; What am I going to do when I'm older? I want plants around my house! They're pretty.

It makes me want a cat even more, so I can nourish something that won't just plop dead. I remember to feed cats, for some reason, but not to water plants. :(( waah.

Summer pursuits

2008-07-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

MMmmm, I just ate some homemade fudge that my mom made yesterday. :D It's SO GOOD. My stepdad and I were delighted when fudge appeared before our eyes mid-watching of "Gladiator." Yes, we just had to watch it again, 'cause we stinkin' love that movie.

Both Joaquin Phoenix and Russell Crowe in it are amazing. And even though Phoenix plays an evil character, I still say he's handsome.

My stepdad and I are hoping to watch the newest Batman movie, "The Dark Knight" some time this week. I'm SO excited about it! It look sso good, and I've read raving reviews from friends. Furthermore, James Ward, the most snotty, cruel reviewer of the "Choices" section of the local newspaper, gave "The Dark Knight" 5 stars and a killer glorifying review. Sooo....this movie must be pretty darn good.

Aside from that, I've finally decided to stop dawdling on the computer and actually DO some stuff I've been wanting to do. I finally took out my sketchbook and spent some time looking for reference pics yesterday. Currently I'm working on a drawing of my character Emna from Hemas Torbis Book 1. It's going pretty good. I posted about it at Inksplurge link

Also, today I might clean up my bike and go biking, 'cause it's finally only 90 degrees (I know, ONLY 90!). The weather is not so extremely hot.

Hm, what else? I went shopping yesterday. It was tons of fun. I went to Borders and checked out the books, and also visited some clothing shops in the mall. I got a couple new shirts, and some jewelry.

I have this crazy idea of dressing up as Krsna for Halloween, because it would be fun and so that I could tell people about him.

Picture:

So far, I've got some jewelry, and I'm going to order a pair of anklet bell things, and I've got gold bangles already. I'm still trying to hunt down a yellow cloth for the dhoti, and I want to find a nice Indian or Asian shirt to wear with it, some fancy colorful silk thing. I know I'm spending my own money on this project, but it's a lot of fun! Krsna is very important to my religion, essential, so to dress up as Him for Halloween is like preaching, sort of, and also glorification.

Once I find the yellow cloth, all I need to do is buy a wig, some more jewelry, and the stuff that'll make me blue for a night (I've asked my friend Jahnava, because she's been in a play and been blue before, so she knows what works and isn't all plasticy and gross on your skin).

I'm also planning a costume for Y-Con, the anime convention I've been going to, in September. But it's easy this time. I'm going as Ritsuka again, and basically wearing this outfit:

So, that'll be fun. :D I can't wait!

Other summer plans besides writing and art are, I'm going to San Francisco this weekend for the Rathayatra festival, and then on August 3rd for th eone in Los Angeles. I'm going to then stay there at my dad's place and visit him, Jahnava, and my friend Alex from school. :) yay!

then when I get back I'll have to start packing for school...*sigh* I hate packing. But I rather look forward to a nice big room, seeing old friends, and have 4 awesome classes. Plus, I plan to have a spiritual program for myself at school so that, aside from temple visits, I can still be encouraged spiritually.

Anyway, so yeah, there is a lot going on. A lot to talk about in one blog post. But I just thought I'd mention it all, just to keep this blog updated. I don't want to miss something.

I am also in a strange position now, where I am kind of...pursuing someone. O_O It's this guy I met at San Francisco Rathayatra Festival last year, and he was really nice. I don't really know him, but I would like to get to know him and hang out, and just see what he's like. He's in or graduated college, if I remember right, and a couple years older than me. Apparently he attends programs at the house of one my mom's old friends, Shelley. So if I go to Shelley's house, which I hope to, it might also give the opportunity to get to know this guy better. Cross your fingers for me! My shyness so often gets in the way of such...quests, haha.

Anyway, that's what's new with me lately. Now I've got to go write.

ciao!

waves hand

2008-07-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

Hello, hello!

I'd just like to point anybody who's interested in the direction of my newest post on my "Inksplurge" blog. I just posted a drawing there, so...if you'd like to, I'd love to hear comments! And there's a newish post below it, too, that people might be interested in seeing.

Thanks!

Inksplurge

Foreign Music

2008-07-13T18:12:00.001-07:00

Foreign bands/music that I've taken a liking to lately:

(ugh, the link I gave wasn't working, so...I made it YouTube vid. But um, my post is just about the music! So maybe just...listen? Eh but you can watch if you want, whatevs).

"Anyone" by the Swedish band Roxette

"Mizerable" by the Japanese rock/popstar Gackt (he's such a lovely pretty boy...:p )

Subtitled version (if you care to know what it means):

Unsubbed:

"One-thousand Seas/1000 meere" by the German, Jpop-idolizing band Tokio Hotel. They started really young, but this is one of their more recent songs that I like.

Pictures:

Roxette

Gackt

Gackt again! =3

Tokio Hotel

Gender-boggling manga

2008-07-06T20:06:00.000-07:00

Ever since I got introduced to the "Ranma 1/2" anime series when I was 12, I've mysteriously found myself attracted to gender-bending romance manga. Not novels, just manga - Japanese comicbooks.

I was never the girl to read books all about some girl trying to get the perfect boyfriend. No way. I mean, of course I read them occasionally (the Georgia Nicholson series, for instance, which is extremely silly and girl+boy sort of story). But not often.

However, ever since "Ranma"...I've had my eyes caught by gender descriptions. Stories where girls disguise themselves as boys and enroll in an all-boy school to try and get the attention of their crush....There are so many like this, but it keeps getting my attention!

Stories in which the boys and girls are forced to pretend to be the other gender, or are put into the other gender's body by some strange occurence, always seem to grab me. First of all, they can be really frikking funny! All the awkward changes from one gender to another, dealing with stereotypes, physical and personality differences, and the issues of "how do pass as the gender that I'm not?" and "How do I pretend to be so-and-so when I'm used to being in my own body instead?" Such questioins are so intriguing, and make for fun and entertaining stories in wich the character always seem to have a problem to deal with.

"Ranma 1/2" about a martial artist who changes into a girl when splashed with cold water (and back to a boy when splashed with hot water) was only the beginning! Since then, I've read so many others...

Also, series with romance in them in manga are somehow more intriguing than in books...maybe because, novels lack the art that the Japanese comicbooks do, and manga is more funny and silly...it makes it so much fun.

This all came to my mind because I was at Borders today, hunting down manga for the "buy 4 get 1 free" sale. (Borders can be skimpy on discounts, and even this one was kinda skimpy, but still a discount).

They didn't have Death Note 11 and 12, which I so wanted to buy...*sniffle* nor did they have InuYasha 33. Because you see, whilst I waited for my paycheck last week, a crapload of other manga fans dove into Borders and the shelves started emptying....;-; so that by the time I got there, so much was gone! waaah!

Anyway, I hunted persistently. I got InuYasha 34 (which is SO good, I LOVE it. I love the part where InuYasha breaks Kagome's bike and her girl friends finally meet him, although there is, Takahashi typical, a CLIFFHANGER OF DOOM. The ending words on the last page are literally "oh...my...god..." !!!!).

Also, I found book 3 of the yaoi Takumi series....^^ :p And I decided to buy Red River 4 and 5 (the way this girl is falling in love with Byzantine prince from the past - so romantic and cute! I feel for her. And he's handsome. And the whole girl-put-back-in-time-bad-guy-wants-to-kill-her-she-loves-the-guy-from-the-past problem reminds me of InuYasha....

And I found a new series I like! :D This always excites me. I would've maybe bought the Kashimashi book 1 I posted on recently, but it wasn't there (people have been grabbing up the yuri and yaoi, I see. Fake 7 was gone, and some others...good to know there are other fans out there).

The new series is another gender-bending sort of story (which is why I had to race to my computer and post about it). It's called "Your and My Secret" and is a story in wich a tomboyish girl and a feminine boy get body-switched accidentally by her failure!inventor grandpa. *shakes head* It is SO silly...I LOVE IT! Laughing really makes everything better.

Anyway...I'm done with my rant. But Tsuu, I advise you check out "Your & My Secret." I think you'd like it.

EDIT: erm, okay, so this was supposed to be a pic from the manga "Your & My Secret"...that I tried to get from a website...and look what happened! *sweatdrop* ack! ToT ...Kind of hilarious, though! XD

I should take it down...but the fact that this person does this joke on picture-snatchers (like me. *GUILTY*) is funny! XD Ahaha! Maybe this will get me comments...I hope Blogger doesn't kill me...

This made me laugh

2008-07-03T23:17:00.000-07:00

"Twenty Ways to Annoy Your House/dorm mates"

"Kashimashi" manga series

2008-07-02T23:41:00.000-07:00

Okay so...I found some new reading material.

When I'm reading mangas with romance, sometimes I like to read yaoi...and shounen-ai...I don't mind guys kissing in manga...I can read romances focused all around two boys for most of the story and not get bothered, in fact, I'm a fan. :D

But not yuri. Not girls + girls.

All of a sudden though, I found a yuri that I like. O_O Well, not really yuri. It became yuri.

You see, I was at Borders bookstore the other day, because I had a different work schedule for the one day. I worked earlier, and got off work earlier, and took the bus to Borders to wait for my mom to get off work and pick me up.

"Angel Sanctuary" book 2 was not there, and neither were other series I'm reading updated.

So I randomly picked up this book, "Kashimashi" book 1. It's about a boy who essentially gets hit by an alien spacecraft, and as an apology the aliens bring him back to life (he got killed). But they do it wrong, mess up, and he gets turned into a girl for life.

There's a love triangle. His previous crush who turned him down, and his best friend, like him, now that he's a girl. And...I actually like the series! It's cute, the art is cute, and the characters are funny and interesting. I don't think it's going to be an explicit series at all. That would turn me off. Ack.

But, relationships between girls...and right now, pretty mild (crushes, a couple kisses, mostly talking)...I can relate to the girls talking thing. And it's funny when Hazumu, who used to be a guy, now has to go shop for bras. XD He gets intimidated by the sales lady on his first try, and accidentally buys his HUGE HUGE bra! It's hilarious!

Then he goes back to the store with his best friend...and they bump into the girl who previously turned him down, when he was a boy (but now that she's a girl, she likes him/her). And Hazumu meanwhile, thinks that same sex relationships are taboo, so he's thinking something with his crush, Yasuna, is now impossible. Anyway so the two girls, the friend and the crush, try to help him buy bras...it's so funny.

I couldn't find book 2, unfortunately. I was laughing my butt off reading book 1, though. It's funny in the way that "Absolute Boyfriend" was funny (which btw I finished - the ending made me sad!! ;_; ). Gender relationship funniness, is just so great! I think that's one reason I love "Ranma 1/2" so much. All the gender awkwardness, plus magic and martial arts, is hilariously entertaining, or just plain hilarious.

Linkie on "Kashimashi": Kashimashi on animenewsnetwork.com

Badger Fest 08 pictures

2008-06-20T15:07:00.001-07:00

Well, where to start? A lot has happened to me and around me since June 10th.

First and foremost, I spent 5 days at the Badger Festival, from day one (June 12th) to day 5. I missed the last two days for a job orientation (it went for hours!) and the first day of my summer job.

Let's get that out of the way. I'm in the Engineering Department of the Tulare County Health and Human Services Agency. I'm doing office assistant stuff, but stuff I haven't done before. You see, since it IS the engineering department, I'm working with maps. I'm looking at permits and writing down where certain things need to be done, etc. Pretty easy, although it does take a bit of measurement knowledge (I use a ruler, haha) and being able to FIND the street names/avenue and road numbers. The people I work with are nice, especially Jeff, the guy I work for. He's this balding guy with a moustache. Funny man. And Greg in his cubicle next to the desk I work at is very talkative. Nice guy.

But most importantly - those five days at the Badger Festival! They were blissful! I went to classes, saw many friends, and met new people. I didn't get private darshan, but I did attend a couple morning public darshans. Also, I got up at 6 am every day so that I could go the meet-and-greet after-morning-walk think, and give my respectful obeisances.

The classes were inspiring. The kirtan singing and dancing was SO WONDERFUL. OH MY GOD. I can never get enough of the Badger Festival kirtans. They are so blissful. I hurt my calvas from dancing the night away. I am not a girl to go to clubs, nor do I dance. But if the dancing is Krsna Conscious dancing, hoo boy! I get into it.

I got to see my dad there, as well as the Badger girls, and meet new and old friends. I helped out at the poster booth a little, and bought many yummy snacks at the bake sale table.

Also, I bought a few books, "Rays of Hope," some "Chanting Hare Krishna" for book distribution I hope to (learn how to) do this fall, and a CD by Rasika Priya. Her CD is PHENOMENAL. SO many sweet bhajans on it (Indian music with chanting). Check it out at rasikadasi.com

But since really, there is all too much to say and mention, I will do a picture post.

Pictures:

Srila Bhaktivedanta Narayana Maharaja. He is the spiritual person that every one comes to the festival to hear, see, and get blessings from. His classes are very sweet! One day, when he was talking about the beauty of Lord Krishna, he said, 'How beautiful!' and shook his head back and forth, while smiiling. It was SO sweet!

On the altar in the pavilion where all the classes, kirtans, eating, and people gathering takes places, people place their deities. This is a group picture of the many Sri Gaurnitai deities I saw.

On the special day Annakut Mahotsava, we circumambulate a replica of a sacred hill in India, and we make many food preparations. But before the real ceremony with sacred Sanskrit verses and blessings, we chant and dance! This is the womens' party singing and dancing.

My friend Jahnava (right, wearing the headphones) was asked to lead the singing and shyly accepted. But Jahnava sings so beautifully, we all know it. She's just humble.

Part of the hill ceremony is to bring all the plates of prasadam (food offered to Lord Krishna) and put it at the foot of the hill. Each plate is decorated with colorful paper. Look at all the people and colors!

The cow

During the ceremony

A lady with a good spot during the chanting accepted my request to try and take a picture for me. I think it came out good. Not very close up, but I still like it. His face is sweet, and there is something cool about the row of gheewicks.

Govardhan hill!

This adorable pair of Radha-Krishna deities I just had to take a pic of.

People I met/saw again at the festival:

Gopika from the Bay Area

Madhav! This baby is so cute. He's the son of Mohini, one of my friend's older sisters.

Jahnava

Govi

Radha from Hawaii (new to the Badger school; good friends with Jahnava)

Kish (isn't her sari lovely?)

LOL, Kish being like "rock on!"

Me and the three women I worked the poster booth with - (from right) Govinda, Rangadidi, and Chitra.

Gopa-Vallabha, the older sister of my friend Govinda. She is so funny.

Lakshmi devi from the Bay Area (psst, don't tell anyone, but I'm hoping to match her up with one of my older brothers!).

This peacock was funny. I was walking in the morning and he was standing in the pathway! He was doing his dance for a peahen in a wire fence next to the path. I took a video of him dancing (shaking his feathers so much he almost fell over!). Isn't he beautiful?

They did this big painting on wood, I think, for part of the Annakut day, to put up by the hill. I helped paint a little - I did flowers. This is Krishna.

Radha being indignant (Krishna is blocking the way) and her gopi friends.

The swan and water

Jahnava's older sister Jaisri got married last year. Now, she has a baby! Doesn't he look healthy? He's a few months old, and his name is Lakshmi-Kanta.

Me all dressed up. :D I got gopidots painted on my face, and someone was nice enough to do my hair in french braids. Thank you to Gopa-Vallabha and Sruti-dasi for this.

Okay well, that's it for now! I'm going to do a whole post later on the drama play that I got pictures of - "Ajamila". It was SUCh an awesome play! I wish I'd brought the videocamera so I could've taped the whole thing! The music, acting, costumes, everything was excellent.

Anyway, thanks for reading! Or at least perusing pics. :) comments welcome!