Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I haven't posted here in a long time and I keep meaning to. School has kept me very busy. I have so much homework and time and energy spent that I feel I rarely get any time to myself or in my room, even though I live in my dorm room. There is a lot of reading to do, and a Journalism 1 class I have requires that I go all over the place to find stories to write articles about. It is a good excuse to get off-campus and go places. I've been wanting to go more places forever, anyway, since nothing really ever happens much on my campus. I want to go hiking in Golden Gate Park, and also see their Botanical and Japanese Tea gardens. I want to go hiking in Muir Woods again, and also, I want to go bowling!
Lately, I have been sortof troubled about various things. School is stressful, and I am soon coming upon the year anniversary of my father passing away. I can't believe it's been a whole year. It is still a very heartbreaking thing to me. People make the mistake of saying, "getting over," but you never get over it. You get through it. Even just the word 'death' still unnerves me. I don't like to say, or even think, or even type, "he died." It's freaky and sad.
This weekend there is an auspicious religious holiday though ("Govardhan Puja"), and I look forward to going to the temple program for that. Might bring some friends along. Hopefully will take some pictures. That, and the fact that it is pouring rain outside, make me happy today. Rain makes me sleepy and dreamy. I love listening to the sound at night; it helps me sleep.
So, I am trying to find things to look forward to and be happy about. And I don't really show people that I'm unhappy; I'm very bad at expressing that, and maybe perhaps because it's more a subconscious thing, and then I realize in certain moments, "wow, I'm not happy." I think I just keep chugging along while kindof blocking out my real thoughts, and then something happens or someone says something to remind me, "oh, yeah. Sad."
It's not that I feel super, super, sad, just...drifting. Like, I'm going through the motions of life, but not really enjoying them, not really excited about anything. Not even graduation in May. Without my dad to encourage me and talk to me about my future, it's hard to look forward to it.
I do hope to learn to drive over winter break, in my cute old stickshift car. That car is like a friend to me.
Another wish of mine is to go to India and scatter my relatives' ashes there...but I'm not sure if that will happen. All I can do is pray about it, and hope, to have my feet touch the holy ground this year.
Writing has been going very slowly, partly because of school, partly it's just me. I went through the first draft of "Maugre" and wrote down what happens in each chapter and each chapter's problems. That was helpful. Next, I plan to write a revised outline.
Yesterday in my creative writing class, we were paired up with a partner and asked to, using 5 given phrases, write a story outline (not detailed, just general) in half an hour. Surprisingly, it WAS do-able. This got me excited; it means I can write a general revised story outline, un-detailed, for "Maugre," and then a detailed version.
Also for that class, I got to write an essay on two excellent books, "Ender's Game" by Orson Scott Card (see my link to his website, to the left) and "A Wind in the Door" by Madeleine L'Engle. "Ender's Game" is my fave sci-fi book, and "A Wind in the Door" is one of the first recommendations of my dad's that I read long ago that we talked about together.
Other than all of that, I miss old friends and I kinda miss home. Not my town specifically, but just...lounging, having free time, at home. I miss that.
But, ah, let's not have this be a sad post. On brighter terms, I get to sleep in tomorrow and hear the beautiful rain...
Labels: Art and Writing, Emotions; memories; dreams, School and Homework
Monday, September 14, 2009
I would like to tip my hat in honor of the late, great actor, Patrick Swayze. I just read that he sadly lost the battle to pancreatic cancer, but all of his wins, all the ways he touched people with his fantastic acting in many movies, will be remembered.
May he rest in peace.
I myself have not watched many of his films, but as of this I plan to catch up on him. I will say that I loved his part in "The Outsiders," he was part of what made that novel come to life on-screen for me. I also am fond of his handsome charm in "Dirty Dancing." But what has most affected me is his film "Ghost," which was highly recommended by my father, and is an excellent film. Very moving. It's a special one.
I was very moved to read one of his comments he said about cancer; here is an excerpt from an article on his passing:
"He also appeared in the September 2008 live television event "Stand Up to Cancer," where he made this moving plea: "I keep dreaming of a future, a future with a long and healthy life, a life not lived in the shadow of cancer, but in the light. ... I dream that the word 'cure' will no longer be followed by the words 'is impossible.'"
His dream is mine.
Labels: Emotions; memories; dreams
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I found this really great blog by an Indian girl who calls herself "rd."I really like her blog. She talks about all sorts of things, from tornadoes, to visiting India and feeling not quite Indian or American, to Olympics, to movies. It's really entertaining.
But more importantly, since I was also brought up following Hindu religion (she also worships Sri Krishna), I can relate to some of her culture differences things. I may not be Indian, but some things in my household are Indian culture, and not American.
(You want examples? Erk...it's tough to explain. Some of the philosophy is different, ala nonviolence and vegetarianism, the religious activities and customs are obviously different. I go around eating Indian food and wearing saris sometimes...but also, mainly, I just think differently from my peers, sometimes).
Here is her blog:
link
Tomorrow (er, soon to be today), August 13th, is the holy day of Janmastami. This is the birthday of Lord Krishna. We fast until midnight, because Krishna was born in the middle of the night, and also for austerity. I want to try and think of Krishna a lot tomorrow. My plan is to help my mom prepare for the program at our house (which kindof serves as the local town temple). I really want to make a video of Krishna pictures with some nice bhajan in the background, and I might even make a quiz for the program.
At Rathayatra in Los Angeles recently (which I still haven't posted about...oops), I bought a new, one-volume Krishna Book so that I can have it with me at school. That way I can pluck it from my shelf and read it before bed.
...Speaking of which, I should be going to bed. I need to start getting up earlier so that I can go to my 9:30 Journalism class this semester! Arrggh!
Writing is still going well. =D I hope to get together with my critique group when the semester resumes (only a week and a half left?! Where did the time go??)
Okay. I'll stop.
Wait - one picture of Krishna!
This painting is (C) the BBT, by Dhrti dasi
Krishna deity in ISKCON Idaho temple, Sri Bankhe-Bihariji
EDIT: Wow, I forgot to mention! My birthday was on Sunday. =D I'm 21 now! It was a fun day; a couple old highschool friends of mine brought me out to town. We shopped, we ate, saw a movie, went swimming, and I FINALLY got to go bowling! And I didn't suck. Pictures soon!
Labels: Life Updates, Pictures, Spiritual
Friday, July 24, 2009
An old picture of me, my dad, and my grandmother
I haven't really posted anything about me in a long time. Hmm...
Well. Things are a rollercoaster, but sometimes the rollercoaster does just breeze along slowly, thankfully. In late June, my father's mother passed away, and that was hard to take. She was one of the sweetest people I know, very wise and kind, and she was a big connection to my dad. I didn't share my dad a lot with people, but my grandmother, she lived with my dad for the last 7 1/2 years. She knew him. I talked to her about him, and she would understand. She even understood what the hikes my dad and I took were like, because she accompanied us on a couple. That is something I didn't share with a lot of people - what it was like to go on those special hikes.
I joined a local grief support group in town. Only been to one meeting so far, but...the people are nice. =)
Also, I got a car- my grandmother's car. It has a lot of memories in it, of driving around with her and my dad. I want to learn to drive it, but it's a stickshift, and I've only a month of summer left. I wish I could drive it in the Bay Area, but at the same time, Bay Area driving is not so great, and it's going to take me more than a month to learn to drive. So...it is tough to decide what to do with the car. For now, it just sits out by the curb.
Here's what it looks like:
(Except the one I have has no black stripe down the side)
Recently, I went swimming in Three Rivers next to a place that my dad and I went a couple times, called Buckeye Flats. My stepdad and I went swimming. At first when we started going down that old familiar road, I felt this sort of fear seize me up, and it was hard to be there. But the swimming was wonderful, a nice cool river against the blazing hot weather. (I should post pictures! Later).
My dad (our left) and his brother, Michael, in 1962! Aren't they adorable??
Also, I've been doing fun stuff. I've been shopping, I went to visit Keshava and we started watching the anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion" together. It's good. I discovered a really neat website gauravani, with a bunch of wonderful kirtans under "downloads" of various young people chanting Hare Krishna.
I will get to see my brothers in San Francisco this weekend, for the Rathayatra festival. I haven't seen them in a while and look forward to it. I'll take pictures and post them up later, hopefully.
Writing has been going well! Even though my critique group is on-break for summer, I'm still revising "Maugre" chapters. I just finished revising chapter 5. I really think I am improving upon them.
I never do the art I want to do! I recently got white paint, so I can paint more, but I haven't sat down and painted yet. Nor drawing. :/ Lazy thing, me. I've been watching cartoons sometimes - feels lazy, too. But it's fun! I actually like that show "Spongebob Squarepants," haha!
Jahnava and other friends continue to inspire and support me. When I visited her for fourth of July, she taught a sloka class (om ajnana verse) to the 10-year-olds, and did a really good job. We went on a really nice japa walk together, too.
Anyway, I've got to go pack. seeya!
Labels: Emotions; memories; dreams, Life Updates, Pictures
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Check this out! Fun stuff!:
SAND PAPERWEIGHT
(Google Image "sand paperweight" to see even more cool ideas!)
Labels: Random and music
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Boo! That's what I have to say about Father's Day. It makes me sad. I miss my dad. I know this is a selfish thing of me, to boo Father's Day, but just...that's how I feel right now, at 12:43 am, with a bad stomach ache and wishing I could talk to my dad and hear his laugh.Boo on Father's Day.
My verse for the day is Bhagavad-Gita 14.4, where God says that He is the Father of All:
Chapter 14, Text 4
sarva-yonisu kaunteya
murtayah sambhavanti yah
tasam brahma mahad yonir
aham bija-pradah pita
Translation:
It should be understood that all species of life, O son of Kunti, are made possible by birth in this material nature, and that I am the seed-giving father.
Commentary by Srila Prabhupada:
In this verse it is clearly explained that the Supreme Personality of Godhead, Krishna, is the original father of all living entities. The living entities are combinations of the material nature and the spiritual nature. Such living entities are seen not only on this planet but on every planet, even on the highest, where Brahma is situated. Everywhere there are living entities; within the earth there are living entities, even within water and within fire. All these appearances are due to the mother, material nature, and Krishna’s seed-giving process. The purport is that the material world is impregnated with living entities, who come out in various forms at the time of creation according to their past deeds.
I hope I can keep this verse in my mind and heart as I go through the day.
I also hope to do some special things for my dad on Father's Day, even though he is passed away. I want to make the salad that he taught me, that he ate every day for lunch for years. Also, I hope to go somewhere in the country and pick some wildflowers, so that I can make a bouquet to put in a vase by his picture.
And I might, just might, go on a hike without him...in memory.
My dad taking a pic on a hike
My dad's certificate so he could use microscope equipment for his healing work
Neat little plant at his apartment
Labels: Emotions; memories; dreams, Pictures
Thursday, June 04, 2009
I don't even know where to start!...The festivals were wonderful. First, my mom and I attended the Prabhupada festival in LA, in celebration and memoriam of the founder of ISKCON, the International Society for Krishna Consciousness.For some reason, this year was the best Prabhupada festival ever, for me. There was something extra special about it. There were the usual people, the beautiful gardens by the temple, nice Prabhupada stories and discussion, and wonderful yummy food.
I think the part that I really enjoyed, was sharing with my mother. She is a very dedicated disciple of Srila Prabhupada, and every year I see her at the Prabhupada festival really pouring her heart into everything. This year, I got to share some special experiences with her. We fanned the Prabhupada murti in the temple together, and we also went up to his quarters with a group of ladies and did some chanting. It was super special.
Also, I got to see my sister there. She isn't as connected in her Krsna Consciousness, but here she was, dancing to the music, and sitting with us, and it was just really something. Usually she just sits and watches, but this time she got up and danced with the rest of us! It was really neat.
At both festivals, I met and spoke to people who knew my father. There was one comment by one person that upset me - he didn't intend to - but, let us just say I had to take a "bathroom break" to gather my wits about me. Basically, he was in the group of people who believe that, had my father taken his particular natural healing product, my father would still be here. These types of comments upset me, because if I let them dwell in my head, I'd go crazy. So I try to look at it as, it was ordained by God.
I got to see my grandmother at the Houston festival, and she seems to be doing alright. I could tell she was sortof sad though...and her healthy is a bit ina rocky stage. I tried my best to be around with her at the festival and cheer her up and share things with her.
I also talked to some really great people who told me how much they appreciated my dad in various ways, asked me if I had dreamt of him yet (which I have, many times), and one guy told me, "Your dad always used to say, 'My daughter's part faerie and part angel!'" This comment is absolutely in the spirit of my dad. That is just the sort of thing he would say. I really liked hearing that my dad often said that about me. News to me! :) Nice news.
Houston festival was really amazing, too. The weather was super hot, and the transportation to and from the festival was kind of annoying (I'm used to Badger where I can just walk to the festival site easily). Other than that though...it was great! I got to see some old friends like Govinda, who is still traveling all around the world. I got to listen to some wonderful, inspiring, sweet classes, and watch some very nicely done, sweet drama plays.
On Wednesday, Srila Narayana Maharaja gave a class in Hindi. I don't know a word of Hindi, but for some reason, I was totally glued to his Hindi class. I took notes on the translation that the translator gave afterward, but even during the Hindi part itself, I was watching. I sat there, and I watched Srila Narayana Maharaja's graceful, beautiful hand gestures. I had never heard him speak Hindi before. Somehow when he speaks Hindi, I feel there is more energy to his speaking, and so much emotion. He spoke on Rama-lila, and then we watched the Rama-lila play. It coincided nicely.
On Thursday, the play was on Gopi-gita, the song that the cowherd maidens sing in separation from Sri Krishna. It was a sad play, but well done. Krishna and all the gopis looked so beautiful. My Bay Area friend, Gopika, played Krishna, and another Bay Area friend, Radhika, played Radhika. :)
I bought the Gopi-gita book, which has been a very sweet, deep read. I am not done with it yet. Now that I am back home for most of summer, I have started my summer class on mysticism and mythology. I am starting by reading parts of the epic Indian tale "Mahabharata."
Writing is going sluggishly, but it's okay. I went biking today. It was great to get some exercise!
Here are some pictures from the festivals:
Aren't these little cows adorable??
Lord Jagannath and Baladev with sister Subadhra
In Prabhupada's LA quarters
Houston: Srila Narayana Maharaja giving class
New friend, Kish's niece. Pretty cool kid
Gopika and Malini
Radha being awesome as usual at the book table
Kish and Govi
In this drama play, Lord Rama leaves the city of Ayodhya in exile. His brothers Bharata and Shatrughna go looking for him, to try and convince him to come home, knowing him as their worshipable Lord. Here, they find Lord Rama's footprints, and become overwhelmed with emotion. (Govinda and Tulasi-Manjari as Bharata and Shatrughna).
This is after the Gopi-gita drama play. All the players were so kind as to pose for us! Don't they all look so lovely? (Gopika as Krishna and Radhika as Radharani).